Honey, honey, and more honey

Thanks Giving was nice. Grandma was sick and couldn't make it but the food and company was good.
I got a five gallon bucket of honey from a friend and decided to put it in jars and make them pretty and give them as Christmas gifts. Damn I have 19 half pint jars and 12 full jars of it. Man that took forever.
My poor friend liljsm. Had Takara has heart surgury and didn't make it. I am sorry liljsm.
Well I am so tired and I know Grass is gona kill me when he gets home. I moved the living room around. I had extremely good reason. It is FCKING cold in there and the couch and chair where against the window. Not to mention there is no went in that room. What the heck. A living room and no vent. What were they thinking and why is it every place we move there is a missing vent. Either in the bedroom or the living room. I swear when we looked at the house there was a vent in that damn room. It probably just up and walked away. So I figured it would be warmer if I put the furnature against the wall where the air runs through. And put the TV and entertainment unit on the opposite wall. Hmmmm good idea, for awhile. We have surround sound. And the speakers and wires were strategically placed. In addition the cable hook up is in the dinning room, so we have to put a whole in the wall to get it to that side of the room. I moved the furnature and cleaned, but someone will have to help me with the speakers, wire and cable. Oh God he is gonna kill me. Hey at least I didn't disconnect all the wires and throw them in a pile in the middle of the floor. Pray for me all of you pretty people.

Excellent Weekend

I have to say it was a pretty good weekend. Nana and I went to Pet Smart to see the adoptin pets and to Ross to look around. We came up to the house for a snack and to warm up. Then a few hours later I picked up Liljsm and worked on my video a bit and then another friend arrived without knocking, that really pisses me off to no end. If I say hey come on up, the door is open, ok thats an open invitatin to just walk on in. I don't care who you are, even my mother would knock and wait. I do it when we go to visit her. Grrrrr.....
Anyhow we made dinner and then watch a movie it was good.
Today I cleaned every room in the house, cleaned the dog bed, all the animal cages, rearanged our bedroom and am almost finished laundry. Just have dinner to make. So pretty good all and all.

Mind is racing

I don't even know where to start. My mind is racing from one thought to another. I guess I will start with yesterdays project. My familiy has requested pictures of the new house and surrounding area's. My family has a DVD player so I have decided to make a slide show. It will be my first. I got all the pictures lines up, names and numbered. Burn them to a CD first. Open the CD up to test it and the pictures are there but not in order and no captions. So I was a little perturbed about that. I have also noticed I have been quite a bit on the down side of things. My blog is obvious. I have been feeling sorry for myself. I'm just not happy. I seem to only pin it on one thing, but I know it must go deeper. I can never change, fix, understand this one thing, so it has to be something else. What I can't figure out. I hate depression. No one seems to understand it, and they are usually annoyed by it. Even the people you think you can trust. I realize people can only take so much before they them selves start to fall dealing with someone else's problems. God, its a struggle in my head. I wana sit here and say, it is because of this, and that.... and if this would be different and so on. I just can't figure out how to change it all. Or accept it all. Smoking sounds good to me. It seems to only thing that might help. I keep finding myself more and more alone. The phone never rings, if it does, its not for me. I have to say one thing, when someone is depressed or sick, you sure find out who thier real friends and family are. It is unexplainable at times. You can't find the words, you can only find sorrow and rage within. It eats you up as if there was acid spilt on you. You feel you can't trust anyone and that they are moving further and further away from you. Your afraid to say anything, afraid to feel, think or do anything. Everyone has thier own life, you have to take control of your own and only rely on yourself. But how can someone when you can't even trust yourself. It seems as though you always wish the extreme... when there is no control, you want it all. Never something balanced. IF you can't control your wieght, you don't wana just loose the weight you want to be super skiny and beautiful, you want more energy... not just to get by, y0u wana be able to get up at 5am and go till 10pm and think and do everything possible. How do you just get to the middle? How to become ok? You find yourself thinking so hard you give yourself a headache about it. While thinking you have horrible thoughts cross your mind. I think I have lost that filter.. you know the one that keeps the sane thoughts in and the crazy ones out. I don't know if I was born with one some days. You look around you for answers when you know they are inside youself. But you are constantly struggleing with the thought of "If someone would just.... talk to me, console me, listen to me, be happy for me, give me credit for something". I was watching a documentary one day on depression. They had said in a segment that support is the key. Well what if you can't get support, are you ever going to get better? I don't know, I have no answers for myself just others. Which in it self seems simply. Just tell yourself what you would tell others. I can't. Because my mind is racing.

A FEW THINGS EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW

I hear you were born on April 2nd, a day to late!

Saw it,
Wanted it.
Had a fit.
Got it!

It's mind over matter. I don't mind, because you don't matter.


That all for today so far folks.

Bound to loose my shadow

So about a month ago while sitting on my ass after the house and laundry were done and had nothing to do; I seen a commercial, an infomercial. Windsor Pilotese, however you spell it. Anyhow it is only the second time I have had the urge to buy something from the TV. It looked like exercises I felt were good for me. So I got the DVD this week and I will do them 3 times a week and try and walk 2-3 times a week as well. I am also trying to eat better. I was watching Big fat loser and I have realized that I don't eat or crave anywhere near them. I am just fat and don't exercise. I do however believe my meds take a part in this issue. How nice for me. Oh well, I'm am gonna do this if it.

I could kill

I hate when you are trying to have a civilized conversation and the other person interupts every third word you say. Or they sit there as you are trying to understand them and they just decide to go on the defensive. "Oh well you don't want me to have a good time, you don't want me to do.... you do this wrong, you do this wrong".. What the mother fuck??? Did I say any of that ever. Are you talking to someone else and reading thier mind, because it sure as hell the fuck ain't mine. I have no idea why I even try talking anymore or why I am even in the fucking world. I know ppl are saying oh your life is so much better than others so shut the fuck up. Well fuck all of you!! That what a fucking blog is for. I am no where close to being perfect and do not claim to be. But I certainly know when someone is bullshitting thier way through just so they look good. I ask one question or try to understand something and I get a fucking machine gun shooting at me. Fuck why the fuck did you get married, oh well I tell you the fucking obvious reason. I was fucking skinny, quiet, aiming to please, the first, I was always there when he needed me, would take any crap and would do anything for him. People looked at me, people looked at him, Hey I am not saying I was a knock out, I was just not fat and ugly!! I had one medical problem, and depression that was well known. I took care of myself and cared how other took care of themselves. Plus I was still living in Canada. He didn't have to see me or deal with me everyday. Well shit sure has changed since I moved here. I'm tired of pretending for everyone everything is perfect or blahdidadida!!! I have no where to turn, never had since I moved here. Everybody is on his side. Fuck they were all on his side when he threw a fucking ironing board and iron across the room at me on our 6 months anniversary. Maybe that was my fucking clue that I ignored. Hell ya we argued that night, because I wanted some romance and he wanted to sleep. Ya I was mad, but fuck it shouldn't turn into flying metal across the room. And they were on his side again when he choked and through my neck back and forth so hard I had whip lash for slamming a door, I admit slamming a door is immature and I could have broke it (I dought it, in fact he broke it when he busted in the room after me). Oh and when he screams at me so close to my face I can taste his fucking lunch. I realize the guy has been through a lot of shit, we all have. Loosing someone close to you, I agree its different. And many other things that have happened. But I have been through a lot of shit too, different shit. Some ppl know my history and some don't. Probably because know one cares because it is history. But its ok for a guy. They all say it. "He has been through a lot of shit". That is no fucking excuse. You grow up and you make choices. You can change or you can be an ass. No one ever cares whether I am sick, tired, sad, depressed, happy, excited, feeling good, successful. They only care about him. I can never do anything right, I don't eat right, I don't cook right, I don't clean right, she is a clean freak, she sits on her ass all day and does nothing, he does all the work and she does nothing. He keeps a job, he helps this person, he is good at this, he does this right, we are so proud of him, we appreciate him so much!!! What the fuck can I do right?
I can't fucking keep a job, I can't fucking stay healthy, I can't fucking loose weight, I CAN"T FUCKING HAVE KIDS because I fucked up so bad when I was younger. And fuck now I am fucking crying and feeling sorry for my sorry ass. Fuck this blogging don't help at all.
I just wana turn back time. I want to do good in school again. I want to make friends, goals, date guys that didn't beat the crap out of me, rape me. I want to have a healthy and fun childhood. I didn't wana get sick. I want this damn alcoholic and drug addict out of me and I never wanted to become pregnant at 17 1/2 and forced to have an abortion. I didn't wana be raped by my brothers friend. And only remember once I was 15 years old. And have flash backs and nightmares and wonder if I am going insane. I don't want to be muniplative, mean, depressed, suicidal. I wana start all over. But I can't. How do I forget, How do I burry it? How do I let go when so much hurts inside still. When I feel I have no good in me. How can someone be so young, (12 years old) and feel like thier time is up on this earth. What the fuck went wrong with me. What fucking turn or road did I take. Fuck was I eating lead or something or was I bound for this to happen, did he and I mean HE plan all this for me? Who the fuck knows. I just wana smoke again so bad. But I have no job and I should not be spending any money on me or a habit I have. I feel like selling everything I have just to make up for all the work he has. Doesn't matter I will never measure up to him, NEVER!!! I am not correcting the spelling in this post it is too fucking long.

Peaceful but now at war

Sister in law and the kids arrived safely. Met them at the store and they followed me up to the house. Grass met up with us a few minutes later. All was calm.. We had some lunch, talked a little and joked a lot. The past never came up except when joking about childhood stories. It was nice and a relief. Sister went to Grandma's and we had the kids. I took the girls shopping and grass had the boy. Well leave it to boys to end up at the Urgency Care. Our nephew decided to kiss the tire of the three wheeler, which he shouldn't have been riding alone in my opinion. Which doesn't seem to matter in this house anyway. So us girls met the boys and got our nephew all cleaned up and we decided to go to Garcia's. Got a few movies and went home. Kids got their x-mas gifts early and we all had a good time. Brought them back to Grandma's and chatted a little more.
We promised Grandma we would help her Tuesday. We usually get over once a week and get stuff done all together and spend time with her. I hate making promises I can't keep and I try to remember them. Well, Grass came home last night and said, I should say he ordered rudely. "Tuesday is all mine to do as I please". Geeze he didn't have to be rude and snotty about it. I ignored it and said ok. Then grandma called today and reminded me about Tuesday, I said of course. I didn't mention Grass made other plans. I just let him know after I got off the phone that he had made a promise. So what does he do, he flips out on me. For Fuck sakes. I didn't do anything wrong. He's is the one that made plans and then other plans on top of each other. Damn, I don't get him, he has one family member he gets along with and always gripes that he has no family but he doesn't wana take one day a week for that person. All he thinks about is this damn pc and games on it. It fucking pisses me off, he doesn't appreciate what he has in life, he just looks negative at it. I have no family here. NONE. It costs me .19 cents a minute to talk to my family. I gave up all my friends back home because I couldn't afford to talk to them. I see only my parents maybe if I am lucky every 2 years and I have one Grandparent left I don't get to see. I realize he doesn't have a mother and the father he has is estranged from. But the more the reason to appreciate those you do have in life. You can't be picky. So now he is in a pissy mood because he doesn't know what to do. He wanted to be done at Grandma's by noon. I just made the comment that, it is usually an all day thing and he knows it. She is old and slow and likes to take her time and have lunch together. I don't care he can do what ever the fuck he thinks is more important.
Then this morning I was a little slow moving, my mouth has been killing me, and I did some exercises and then rested a bit. I decided to go outside and move the swing, bbq and chairs and tarp them up. Grass asked If I needed helped and answered yes kindly. So we move the stuff, I went to go get the tarp and he starts burning the ground outside of the barrel for something to do. What the fuck!!! Whatever, I try to get this tarp that is like 72 by 100 or some thing, it is for covering hey if that lets you know how big it is. Not the easiest fucking thing to maneuver on your own, but hey, grass is playing with fire and fucking off so I have to do on my own anyway.
So I start and the fucking wind starts blowing. I swear I was being punished for something. I would get it all into place over the swing bbq and chairs and then started over the shed (its leaking), and away the damn tarp went, on its way to china. So while I am grunting and cursing at this tarp along with wrestling it, what is grass doing, NOTHING but watching me. Oh I know its funny for men reading this, it is fucking typical of you all. Well of course I get even angrier when I see he is standing there staring at the ground while I'm freaking out. I was mostly freaking out because everything I screw something up I am always reminded about it showed how much I screwed up. But If I dare try to do something on my own its either 2 things, NO YOU CAN"T DO THAT!!, or you are doing it wrong. So each time I go to do something that runs through my fucking head, trying harder and harder to please, but never succeeding, just screwing up. Finally he comes over and yells at me "IF YOU CALM DOWN I WILL HELP YOU. Ya, like I am going to fucking calm down right then and there as ordered. I just have an off and on switch. So I say, HOW NICE, YOU COULD SEE FROM THE BEGINNING I WAS HAVING TROUBLE, BEFORE I GOT PISSED OFF, WHY DIDN'T YOU OFFER THEN? His reply was, "I have a fire to watch". Well if you would have left the damn fire in the barrel instead of fucking off and playing with it on the ground you wouldn't have to watch it now. Did I say that no. He just kept on me that I should calm down and blabbb blabbb about he does nothing wrong and I am a fuck up.
So I got a ladder and climbed on top of the fucking shed. Yes me afraid of heights. Fuck, you get me mad enough I will do just about anything. Maybe that's how I could loose weight. Anyhow, I get on the roof and get the tarp and have to take my shoes off and put them on the tarp to hold the son of a bitch in place. Fuck I have never use one this big, I didn't think it would take a fucking monkey guiniass to work it. So anyhow I tie the fucker down with twine, what else to you use? And I then decided that the mowing deck should be in the shed, out of the way. So I take the ATV and go in the garage and lift and maneuver this son of a 4000 lbs piece of shit onto the back of the ATV while screaming. For some reason you are somewhat quite a bit stronger when grunting as you lift. WIRED or just in my head, don't answer that. Grass hears me and just walks in as if everything is just fine and trys to take over without saying anything, and like a woman I snap back "I DON'T NEED YOU". I got it on there and out of the garage and in the shed. Not where I wanted it, but I had enough. I took the ATV and took a ride up the hill and just screamed. It didn't help and either is this blogging. I am so mad, I just want a smoke.
Can I, no, because it would be selfish. Hmmm thinking about more then myself, what a concept and revelation?

Hide the valuables

OMG my sister in law is coming. Grass and her have not been close for sometime, but there is kids involved. We have loved them from day one and haven't stopped. They have done nothing wrong but get caught in the middle of everything. I just hope it is a peaceful visit and we can visit with the kids. Hopefully we will mend some wounds. Acceptance is the key. I should get high or buy some whisky.

Time Well Spent

Wow what a busy past 4 days it has been. Helped Grass get some rain gutters and put them up. Finally yes finally finished cleaning up the garden, so it is ready for Spring. Then we put Christmas Lights up outside and then the Christmas decorations up inside. Plus got everything put away in its place. Helped Nanna with the cable and got Mac and Lynny a Birthday gift. Then I thought I should have some fun so I asked LilJsm if he would like to go 4-wheeling. He agreed it would be fun before he headed off to work today. We took a different trail and I saw some new scenery. We took Lizzie and Smooo. They were like kids in a candy store. We got home and I began to make meat balls for dinner and Mamma and papa Jap stopped by so we all had dinner together except for Grass. I saved him some though. Still waiting to hear from Wally World. Well I have no idea what to talk about anymore.

Hey you want some insight and good humor, check out LilJsm's site. http://www.liljsm.com/

Love

Is there even such thing as true love? Or is it some myth that woman want to beleive in. It seems as though men act like it means something to them. I just want to feel it. I don't care what people hear, say or thing of how I feel about grass. I love him to death. There are days and times when I love him more and he gives me butterfly's. A few people have told me that they can think of something that thier partner does or has done to make them smile, laugh, of feel good that know one else does. I do nothing for Grass. NOTHING. How can you love someone and not know why anymore. Love is some kind of drug someone puts in your drink to get you to a point in your life and then it disapears. The love you then have is some kind of manditory thing put on you.

The plan for today

I have decided with grass to cash the check. After all the mistakes the broker made, they can figure it out after and hunt us down for it. "oh you wana talk to Mat and Jenn, ummm they are not in... Sorry". How's that sound fkers?

Going to for an interview with Wal-Mart. I am so confused on how to explain my gaps of employment and the length of time I have worked. It is mostly medical, but if I bring that up they will most likely assume I can't work. They want people that will work steady. I actually think I will be able to hold this job as long as I keep other things in check with my life. I have realized that I have to take issues and make them seem as though they are the smallest part of my life and I can move on immediately from it. God if I could start smoking again that would be so easy. Or maybe just a little drink now and then. That won't hurt me. YES it will you stupid twit. Ah well it was a try.

My IBS is back of course because I want this job. I don't understand myself, I can only analyze myself. It seems every time a job comes along, I want and will benefit from; the IBS comes around. It doesn't matter what I eat, whether I get stressed out, sleep etc. Is it a subconscious thing? Or is it just a huge ass coincidence?

SO something is going on with Grass, he is very quiet (more than the usual), subdude, slouchy, doesn't say its his back hurting, so what is it? I know he is worried about money, if he could just hold on until after Christmas. Unfortunately thats when Wal-mart actually hires people. I don't know any other way to make money. I just know how to NOT spend it. I wonder if he is depressed about something. I asked him. It could be that I have been with Liljsm a lot.
Grass wants me home when he gets home. I understand the feeling. I would like him home when I got home. Thing is I get home and I am ignored, I am mostly a roommate. Is he mad I have this blog? Is he upset that Liljsm and me have something in common. OMG does he think we are having a passionate secret love affair that has been going on for years, shit how could he know our little secret? I thought we were sooo discreet? Oh no does he know that is the real reason I can't have kids? Because it might come out a little Jap looking?
OMFG ROTFLMAO!!! I don't know what got into me there but Liljsm if you read this, hope you know I'm joking. Stop puking it's ok. haaaaaaaa!!!

SOMEONE SHOULD HAVE VOTED FOR ME AT LEAST!!

OMFG!!! Bush could be president again, I am truely going to die. I would love to vote and have a voice. But no I can't. I am not a citizian. So I urged my husband and FRIEND to vote, they want nothing to do with politics, so I request they vote for me, they say no!! Ahhhhhhhhhh. My one vote could change things and I can't do it. All these people that have a chance to vote and have thier voices be heard. And they do nothing. Fine die all you suns a bitches!!! That's what's gonna happen is Bush is president again.

Komodo Dragon's, thats what Bush is.

If anyone knows me well enough they know how passionate I am about these useless creatures.

"Komodo dragons are carnivores (meat eaters) and will devour any animal they are capable of dismembering and gulping down. Although they are for the most part scavengers, they do capture live prey, including deer, pigs, birds, even young dragons. The young can escape by climbing trees, because the much-heavier adults cannot climb. Komodo dragons are good swimmers and have been reported hunting in the surf for fish and birds.
Komodo dragons are formidable predators, since even one bite can be lethal. The bacteria that live in the dragon's saliva are so virulent that wounds often will not heal. Even if the victim gets away, it usually dies from infection in a few days. The dragon's reputation as a human eater is well deserved; it does not seem to fear humans and many attacks and deaths have been reported.
Komodo dragons are the world's heaviest living lizards. They can grow to a length of 10 feet (over 3 meters), with an average length of 8 feet (2.5 meters) and weight of 200 lbs (91 kg.). Females are usually under 8 feet and weigh about 150 lbs. (68 kg.).
The Komodo dragon's keen sense of smell, if aided by favorable wind, enables it to seek out carrion up to 5 miles (8.5 kilometers) away. Despite its size, the Komodo is fast moving and agile. They can climb trees and like all monitor lizards they are good swimmers. They are opportunistic feeders and will eat anything they can overpower including small dragons and small or injured humans (dragons make up to 10% of their diet).
An eyewitness account revealed that a 101 lb (46 kg.) dragon ate a 90 lb. (41 kg.) pig in 20 minutes. As a comparison, a 100 lb. person would have to eat 320 quarter pound hamburgers in less than 20 minutes to keep up with the dragon.

Now that you have some facts, don't you think they should be kept on one island and have someone blow that island up? I think so. These devil animals dig a hole, leg eggs, and then they hatch, and you know what is next? They crawl into our back yards and eat your dog or horse.

Who is looking at my blog?

SO I noticed in a day that 16 people looked at my blog. So I am asking those that do look at it to post a comment. Just so I know actual people are looking at my blog.

I would like to thank all the little people that got me this far.

Smile someone is watching you!!

Morally the right decision

Ok so I received a sum of money yesterday from my insurance company that I wasn't expecting. I call my insurance agent, they tell me that three people paid this amount. Myself, my mortgage broker (which has put us threw hell and cost us an arm and a leg) and the title company. My insurance agent says to call the broker and see if they have esscrowed it.
Hmmm should I just cash it and say oh their mistake. They owe us for all the hassle and not say a word. Or do I call and do the moral thing. We really need the money.

Isolated

The other night I dropped off my husbands friend, and I say "husbands friend" specific because the conversation hit me hard that we had. He is my husbands friend, not mine. I really really only have one friend according to the conversation that took place. You see I believe a true friend is there for you without having to protect their friendship with someone else. I have also realized that there is only the one friend I have made on my own and through know one else's link. I would love to call many people my friends, but truly they are someone else's friend before they are mine. Now typing this as I think about it like I thought about it last night, it sounds selfish and immature. It is, but true. Take for example 2 different ppl in 2 different situations. Example 1. My husbands friend. He met my my husband before me, they are best friends, not to mention both MEN. If I wish to speak to the foremention friend about my husband, does he really listen and converse with my best interest in mind, well no, that would be wrong, he has my husbands because they are best friends. I get that. So second example. I meet a person (person A) through another person person B). So person B's first and only concern everyt time we talk, meet or chat is person A. So once again not my friend. Someone else's.
So the explanation to my title is I have only myself. I am totally isolated. If I do dare make a friend on my own, I must only talk, meet or chat when I am totally alone, which doesn't work well when people have a life of their own. Friendship is a 2 way street and you must meet when you both have the time. My husband and only my friend that is there for me and no one else, don't want anymore friends, don't wana associate or socialize with anyone new. I don't believe it is a male thing. I think it is a selfish thing. When someone is all alone and people tell you to go and make friends, how can you when there is this secret zone you may not cross. How are you suppose to grow as a person or a couple when only one person gets out and see people, shares interests. How are we suppose to stop being judgmental of people if we don't go out and meet them, listen to them, talk. No wonder there is so much ugliness in this world. No one really wants to be friends with anyone, they really are just trying to be polite.
So were does this bring me? I really don't know. Besides truly alone. Fuck it is 2004 and I have never felt more alone then I do now. Now realizing what I got myself into when I moved here. Certainly never thought it would be this way.
Yah I know I am feeling sorry for myself, but who the fuck cares, no one reads this. I have pretty much everything against me. I am Canadian which I am punished for. Has everyone forgotten that my fucking country is your fucking ALI, have you forgotten that after 9/11 we were the country that helped the most. Have you also forgotten that we are right here and in Iraq with you all the time helping. Not saying you couldn't live without us, but we are here.
2nd, I am not Mormon, none of my family is and never will be. So that leaves 15% of the population around here to choose from. 3rd. I am not a man. I say that brings it down to 5%. Well that's a start I have a 5% chance to make a friend. Hmm well not really. You see I have medical issues and people don't want to hear about them unless they can discriminate you for it. They run the other way, they don't understand and it is a burden, annoyance, well more like ignorance. Uneducated, selfserving, ignorant people. The only reason why I ever bring medical issues up is because I get the constant question "why can't you keep a job"? And what do I say? Fuck off its not your business, no I don't say that, not if I want a friend. Do I lie?
All I know that I am good for and that's probably 68% of the time, is cook, clean the house, no I can't fucking change oil, not because I don't want to, Its because it would require me to be under a fucking vehicle, sorry but that's a fear that ain't gonna be cured. I can shovel just fine, I can take the damn garbage out, hmmm not much is it. No wonder I am alone.