I could kill

I hate when you are trying to have a civilized conversation and the other person interupts every third word you say. Or they sit there as you are trying to understand them and they just decide to go on the defensive. "Oh well you don't want me to have a good time, you don't want me to do.... you do this wrong, you do this wrong".. What the mother fuck??? Did I say any of that ever. Are you talking to someone else and reading thier mind, because it sure as hell the fuck ain't mine. I have no idea why I even try talking anymore or why I am even in the fucking world. I know ppl are saying oh your life is so much better than others so shut the fuck up. Well fuck all of you!! That what a fucking blog is for. I am no where close to being perfect and do not claim to be. But I certainly know when someone is bullshitting thier way through just so they look good. I ask one question or try to understand something and I get a fucking machine gun shooting at me. Fuck why the fuck did you get married, oh well I tell you the fucking obvious reason. I was fucking skinny, quiet, aiming to please, the first, I was always there when he needed me, would take any crap and would do anything for him. People looked at me, people looked at him, Hey I am not saying I was a knock out, I was just not fat and ugly!! I had one medical problem, and depression that was well known. I took care of myself and cared how other took care of themselves. Plus I was still living in Canada. He didn't have to see me or deal with me everyday. Well shit sure has changed since I moved here. I'm tired of pretending for everyone everything is perfect or blahdidadida!!! I have no where to turn, never had since I moved here. Everybody is on his side. Fuck they were all on his side when he threw a fucking ironing board and iron across the room at me on our 6 months anniversary. Maybe that was my fucking clue that I ignored. Hell ya we argued that night, because I wanted some romance and he wanted to sleep. Ya I was mad, but fuck it shouldn't turn into flying metal across the room. And they were on his side again when he choked and through my neck back and forth so hard I had whip lash for slamming a door, I admit slamming a door is immature and I could have broke it (I dought it, in fact he broke it when he busted in the room after me). Oh and when he screams at me so close to my face I can taste his fucking lunch. I realize the guy has been through a lot of shit, we all have. Loosing someone close to you, I agree its different. And many other things that have happened. But I have been through a lot of shit too, different shit. Some ppl know my history and some don't. Probably because know one cares because it is history. But its ok for a guy. They all say it. "He has been through a lot of shit". That is no fucking excuse. You grow up and you make choices. You can change or you can be an ass. No one ever cares whether I am sick, tired, sad, depressed, happy, excited, feeling good, successful. They only care about him. I can never do anything right, I don't eat right, I don't cook right, I don't clean right, she is a clean freak, she sits on her ass all day and does nothing, he does all the work and she does nothing. He keeps a job, he helps this person, he is good at this, he does this right, we are so proud of him, we appreciate him so much!!! What the fuck can I do right?
I can't fucking keep a job, I can't fucking stay healthy, I can't fucking loose weight, I CAN"T FUCKING HAVE KIDS because I fucked up so bad when I was younger. And fuck now I am fucking crying and feeling sorry for my sorry ass. Fuck this blogging don't help at all.
I just wana turn back time. I want to do good in school again. I want to make friends, goals, date guys that didn't beat the crap out of me, rape me. I want to have a healthy and fun childhood. I didn't wana get sick. I want this damn alcoholic and drug addict out of me and I never wanted to become pregnant at 17 1/2 and forced to have an abortion. I didn't wana be raped by my brothers friend. And only remember once I was 15 years old. And have flash backs and nightmares and wonder if I am going insane. I don't want to be muniplative, mean, depressed, suicidal. I wana start all over. But I can't. How do I forget, How do I burry it? How do I let go when so much hurts inside still. When I feel I have no good in me. How can someone be so young, (12 years old) and feel like thier time is up on this earth. What the fuck went wrong with me. What fucking turn or road did I take. Fuck was I eating lead or something or was I bound for this to happen, did he and I mean HE plan all this for me? Who the fuck knows. I just wana smoke again so bad. But I have no job and I should not be spending any money on me or a habit I have. I feel like selling everything I have just to make up for all the work he has. Doesn't matter I will never measure up to him, NEVER!!! I am not correcting the spelling in this post it is too fucking long.