Isolated

The other night I dropped off my husbands friend, and I say "husbands friend" specific because the conversation hit me hard that we had. He is my husbands friend, not mine. I really really only have one friend according to the conversation that took place. You see I believe a true friend is there for you without having to protect their friendship with someone else. I have also realized that there is only the one friend I have made on my own and through know one else's link. I would love to call many people my friends, but truly they are someone else's friend before they are mine. Now typing this as I think about it like I thought about it last night, it sounds selfish and immature. It is, but true. Take for example 2 different ppl in 2 different situations. Example 1. My husbands friend. He met my my husband before me, they are best friends, not to mention both MEN. If I wish to speak to the foremention friend about my husband, does he really listen and converse with my best interest in mind, well no, that would be wrong, he has my husbands because they are best friends. I get that. So second example. I meet a person (person A) through another person person B). So person B's first and only concern everyt time we talk, meet or chat is person A. So once again not my friend. Someone else's.
So the explanation to my title is I have only myself. I am totally isolated. If I do dare make a friend on my own, I must only talk, meet or chat when I am totally alone, which doesn't work well when people have a life of their own. Friendship is a 2 way street and you must meet when you both have the time. My husband and only my friend that is there for me and no one else, don't want anymore friends, don't wana associate or socialize with anyone new. I don't believe it is a male thing. I think it is a selfish thing. When someone is all alone and people tell you to go and make friends, how can you when there is this secret zone you may not cross. How are you suppose to grow as a person or a couple when only one person gets out and see people, shares interests. How are we suppose to stop being judgmental of people if we don't go out and meet them, listen to them, talk. No wonder there is so much ugliness in this world. No one really wants to be friends with anyone, they really are just trying to be polite.
So were does this bring me? I really don't know. Besides truly alone. Fuck it is 2004 and I have never felt more alone then I do now. Now realizing what I got myself into when I moved here. Certainly never thought it would be this way.
Yah I know I am feeling sorry for myself, but who the fuck cares, no one reads this. I have pretty much everything against me. I am Canadian which I am punished for. Has everyone forgotten that my fucking country is your fucking ALI, have you forgotten that after 9/11 we were the country that helped the most. Have you also forgotten that we are right here and in Iraq with you all the time helping. Not saying you couldn't live without us, but we are here.
2nd, I am not Mormon, none of my family is and never will be. So that leaves 15% of the population around here to choose from. 3rd. I am not a man. I say that brings it down to 5%. Well that's a start I have a 5% chance to make a friend. Hmm well not really. You see I have medical issues and people don't want to hear about them unless they can discriminate you for it. They run the other way, they don't understand and it is a burden, annoyance, well more like ignorance. Uneducated, selfserving, ignorant people. The only reason why I ever bring medical issues up is because I get the constant question "why can't you keep a job"? And what do I say? Fuck off its not your business, no I don't say that, not if I want a friend. Do I lie?
All I know that I am good for and that's probably 68% of the time, is cook, clean the house, no I can't fucking change oil, not because I don't want to, Its because it would require me to be under a fucking vehicle, sorry but that's a fear that ain't gonna be cured. I can shovel just fine, I can take the damn garbage out, hmmm not much is it. No wonder I am alone.