Mind is racing

I don't even know where to start. My mind is racing from one thought to another. I guess I will start with yesterdays project. My familiy has requested pictures of the new house and surrounding area's. My family has a DVD player so I have decided to make a slide show. It will be my first. I got all the pictures lines up, names and numbered. Burn them to a CD first. Open the CD up to test it and the pictures are there but not in order and no captions. So I was a little perturbed about that. I have also noticed I have been quite a bit on the down side of things. My blog is obvious. I have been feeling sorry for myself. I'm just not happy. I seem to only pin it on one thing, but I know it must go deeper. I can never change, fix, understand this one thing, so it has to be something else. What I can't figure out. I hate depression. No one seems to understand it, and they are usually annoyed by it. Even the people you think you can trust. I realize people can only take so much before they them selves start to fall dealing with someone else's problems. God, its a struggle in my head. I wana sit here and say, it is because of this, and that.... and if this would be different and so on. I just can't figure out how to change it all. Or accept it all. Smoking sounds good to me. It seems to only thing that might help. I keep finding myself more and more alone. The phone never rings, if it does, its not for me. I have to say one thing, when someone is depressed or sick, you sure find out who thier real friends and family are. It is unexplainable at times. You can't find the words, you can only find sorrow and rage within. It eats you up as if there was acid spilt on you. You feel you can't trust anyone and that they are moving further and further away from you. Your afraid to say anything, afraid to feel, think or do anything. Everyone has thier own life, you have to take control of your own and only rely on yourself. But how can someone when you can't even trust yourself. It seems as though you always wish the extreme... when there is no control, you want it all. Never something balanced. IF you can't control your wieght, you don't wana just loose the weight you want to be super skiny and beautiful, you want more energy... not just to get by, y0u wana be able to get up at 5am and go till 10pm and think and do everything possible. How do you just get to the middle? How to become ok? You find yourself thinking so hard you give yourself a headache about it. While thinking you have horrible thoughts cross your mind. I think I have lost that filter.. you know the one that keeps the sane thoughts in and the crazy ones out. I don't know if I was born with one some days. You look around you for answers when you know they are inside youself. But you are constantly struggleing with the thought of "If someone would just.... talk to me, console me, listen to me, be happy for me, give me credit for something". I was watching a documentary one day on depression. They had said in a segment that support is the key. Well what if you can't get support, are you ever going to get better? I don't know, I have no answers for myself just others. Which in it self seems simply. Just tell yourself what you would tell others. I can't. Because my mind is racing.