It is never going to happen!!!
Its been about a few days since I was suppose to start. I have been having a lot more hormonal issues than usual, so I thought hmmm could it be? Could I really be pregnant? Would God grant me that second chance after all? Has a miracle taken place? Well I waited a few more days just to see. I decided I would do a test tonight.
I had to be at Grandma's today and do some stuff for her before she left and she decided to give me some news. Regan, Mat's sister in law is pregnant again. For some reason that just hit me in the gut like a ton of bricks and instantly I had the feeling of "Nope Jenn he is not blessing you, he blessed them, AGAIN". Now don't get me wrong, them having a baby is wonderful and I don't think anything ill of them or them having another. I just felt as though at that moment that I was told for some strange reason, like if I was pregnant and it was rip right out of me and given to someone else. Man I am so fucked up. Why do I think and feel this insane way? I just don't get it. Ben's already has 2 children, his x-wife has 2 in addition to the one they have together, Mat's sister has 3, my brother has one and 3 somewhat adopted. Mat's other brother has or had 3. Liljsm has 3, my cousin has one, my other cousin has one and one in the oven and she doesn't even have custody of the first one, her mother does. WHY, WHY, WHY, ?????? Why can't I?
Six mother fucking years we have been trying and nothing. Damn I want a cigarette now. Everybody wants to tell me all this shit to make me feel better, I know they are trying to help, but what I want to hear is, YOU ARE PREGNANT!! Not, your turn will come, there are miracles, just give it time, it will happen. Everywhere I look there are kids and pregnant people. It sounds selfish and I don't care but fuck there are people that should have kids if you ask me. Sick people that can't raise thier kids, people that pawn their kids off to others, people that beat thier kids and so on. I realize I have some medical issues, but they wouldn't affect the raising of my child. And for some reason I want TWINS lately, what the hell is that about. Twins, am I crazy???
I had to be at Grandma's today and do some stuff for her before she left and she decided to give me some news. Regan, Mat's sister in law is pregnant again. For some reason that just hit me in the gut like a ton of bricks and instantly I had the feeling of "Nope Jenn he is not blessing you, he blessed them, AGAIN". Now don't get me wrong, them having a baby is wonderful and I don't think anything ill of them or them having another. I just felt as though at that moment that I was told for some strange reason, like if I was pregnant and it was rip right out of me and given to someone else. Man I am so fucked up. Why do I think and feel this insane way? I just don't get it. Ben's already has 2 children, his x-wife has 2 in addition to the one they have together, Mat's sister has 3, my brother has one and 3 somewhat adopted. Mat's other brother has or had 3. Liljsm has 3, my cousin has one, my other cousin has one and one in the oven and she doesn't even have custody of the first one, her mother does. WHY, WHY, WHY, ?????? Why can't I?
Six mother fucking years we have been trying and nothing. Damn I want a cigarette now. Everybody wants to tell me all this shit to make me feel better, I know they are trying to help, but what I want to hear is, YOU ARE PREGNANT!! Not, your turn will come, there are miracles, just give it time, it will happen. Everywhere I look there are kids and pregnant people. It sounds selfish and I don't care but fuck there are people that should have kids if you ask me. Sick people that can't raise thier kids, people that pawn their kids off to others, people that beat thier kids and so on. I realize I have some medical issues, but they wouldn't affect the raising of my child. And for some reason I want TWINS lately, what the hell is that about. Twins, am I crazy???
posted by Kinipeli at
5:34 PM
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