On Our Way

We are all packed and ready for our trip to Canada. BRRRR!!! Grass and I spent the first part of our christmas here in Idaho with his bro from Washington. Wife, son, and Daughter were here. They had a Christmas present early for themselves. They are having another baby. I am very happy for them. They are great parents. They arrived about 8am Monday morning and we met them in town to welcome them. We then met back at 10am for breakfast. Mat and I then shipped off to Grandma's to do somethings around her house and then ran some arrons in preparations for our Christmas dinner.
I made Turkey and all the fixings, oatmeal cake and cherry pie. OMG we stuffed ourselves at 1pm and then again at 11:00 pm for a late night snack.
We got the the baby an outfit and the little girl (8 years old) a jewlery box and a necklass that I had made for me from a dear old friend. He use to mine opal and then make them into jewlery. She was so excited to get it. I just about cried.
The guys then played awhile on the computers and C, and I played battleship. Goodness this child has only watched tv all her life. But that didn't stop her from kicking my butt.
We all then played monopoly but it got cut short because the baby was really sick and had a fever of 101.6 and rising fast. He threw up and got us a little frazzled and decided to change the medicine to calm him. It is so heart breaking to see a baby in pain and discomfort. Mama held onto him as he fell in and out of sleep.
We then had coffee in the morning and said our goodbyes and good wishes.
Then it was Grass's and I's turn for presents. I got a little portable CD boombox and he got a new saw. We couldn't afford much.
We dropped off all the pets and got the van cleaned and oiled up, Wish we could leave tonight.

Merry CHristmas to all and a good warm night.

It is never going to happen!!!

Its been about a few days since I was suppose to start. I have been having a lot more hormonal issues than usual, so I thought hmmm could it be? Could I really be pregnant? Would God grant me that second chance after all? Has a miracle taken place? Well I waited a few more days just to see. I decided I would do a test tonight.
I had to be at Grandma's today and do some stuff for her before she left and she decided to give me some news. Regan, Mat's sister in law is pregnant again. For some reason that just hit me in the gut like a ton of bricks and instantly I had the feeling of "Nope Jenn he is not blessing you, he blessed them, AGAIN". Now don't get me wrong, them having a baby is wonderful and I don't think anything ill of them or them having another. I just felt as though at that moment that I was told for some strange reason, like if I was pregnant and it was rip right out of me and given to someone else. Man I am so fucked up. Why do I think and feel this insane way? I just don't get it. Ben's already has 2 children, his x-wife has 2 in addition to the one they have together, Mat's sister has 3, my brother has one and 3 somewhat adopted. Mat's other brother has or had 3. Liljsm has 3, my cousin has one, my other cousin has one and one in the oven and she doesn't even have custody of the first one, her mother does. WHY, WHY, WHY, ?????? Why can't I?
Six mother fucking years we have been trying and nothing. Damn I want a cigarette now. Everybody wants to tell me all this shit to make me feel better, I know they are trying to help, but what I want to hear is, YOU ARE PREGNANT!! Not, your turn will come, there are miracles, just give it time, it will happen. Everywhere I look there are kids and pregnant people. It sounds selfish and I don't care but fuck there are people that should have kids if you ask me. Sick people that can't raise thier kids, people that pawn their kids off to others, people that beat thier kids and so on. I realize I have some medical issues, but they wouldn't affect the raising of my child. And for some reason I want TWINS lately, what the hell is that about. Twins, am I crazy???

Family DVD

Mr. Jsm and his great creativity made a DVD for a friend for her grandfathers funeral. As we were watching I suggested he make a family one for his parents for Christmas. After discussing it and going through old pictures (THE BEERDED LADY), I realized I wanted to do something for Grass and his family. I wanted to suck in my pride, let go of the past (we know that will never happen) and just be freaking nice. I wanted to make a family DVD for him and all his family to see. I had to of course finsh my house one for my parents and oh my freaking god, a simple, non creative dvd and it took me a month. All because of my stupid, blondness.
Anyhow I am still on board for this family DVD. I really would like everyone to remember when they were happy with each other. There was happiness at one time in that family. Yes there is a lot of hurt, I hope with this I can maybe mend, not heal, just maybe bring out the better part of this family. I have many many pictures to collect, go through and scan into a folder. I have only just begun. I will be assisted by the great Liljsm. He made a great big promise to his adopted Grandma Renken. She has been asking about it. Anyhow, most of the technical creative computer stuff I am sure he will do. I will arrange the pictures and pick most of the music. He will doctor the pictures and create the transitions. It will be a master peice!!!

A message for L in Texas. I never really know the proper words to help with your situation. Not to mention I don't want to broadcast it on the internet. Just know that I would do anything for you to help you in any way I can. If I was rich I would help you some way but I havn't won the power ball yet!! So you have my ears to listen to you anytime you need them.
I love and miss you dearly. I owe you so much!!!

Reality Shows

With all these reality shows with different topics and stuff, I find myself noticing all my faults, families faults, things wrong with the house, and then wonder whom if I was on that show they could fix it. Examples, Extreme Makeover Home edition. Don't get me wrong I am happy we found a new house and I love it, but like I said watching these shows makes you wonder what you could have. Such as new carpet, heat in the living room, cement in the shop, a fence, a second floor, a basement, more land, maybe a barn.

Second Example would be "ASk This Old House". I wonder if I should email them and see if they could help with the heat situation.

"The Biggest Loser". I would like to be on that one, be pushed to exersize, eat right and loose weight, in addition gain confidence.

Am I the only one that thinks about these things. I hope I am not. Obviously not if there are on TV and ppl are writing in. My point is, has it come to a point in our society that we need others to fix our problems, we create them, shouldn't we ourselves fix them? So therefore, if I feel this about other ppl, should I not wise up and listen to what I would like to tell others? Hmm not that easy.

Its has been quite pleasant and I feel like I have finally accomplished something. I finshed my parents DVD, yes OMG finished it. It is so easy to do but if you are dinking off and not paying attention, you can screw the whole thing up. You then have two options, one is manually fix everything or start all over. After many errors, I did finish. Thanks JSM for the help and the PC. Oh the pizza was good too.
I am just about done wrapping the honey for gifts. I hope people like it and appreciate it. I know it is not a real gift, but I couldn't afford real gifts and wanted to give everyone special to me something.
Going to play pool with the boyz. I almost had to cancel because I thought it was a late night thing and I so have to get up early and do a lot of stuff tomorrow. But I found out its an early night. I can't really figure out why I was invited except I am a wife. I just accept and appreciate the invitation. (Even though I know one person can't stand me heehhehe!!!)

I am so excited about going home for Christmas. I am such a big suck, I got my parents to pull out my old xmas stockings and fill them. I said it can be empty boxes for all I care. It can be shit or coal. And they did. They went to the dollar store to fill them. Hell thats where I used to shop for gifts, so buying stocking stuffers there is ok with me.

I know what Grass is getting for Christmas. Mom called this morning and had been shopping since 7am and couldn't find this brand name thing I told her about. Appearnently they don't sell that in Canada, so I told her it was ok. The whole time I was on the phone and online at the same time researching for her, grass was banging on the door. Nah he don't care about gifts. LOL

Ok peace to you all,

And remember you can support our troops without supporting the man behind the whole mess.

OUT!!

Just a little of everything

Its been a few days since I blogged. I have been trying to get off the pc and get other interests. You know broaden my horizen, get off my lazy ass, and do something new. Well it hasn't worked out. I have been a green shade the past week. I had good days and then just knock me over, stick me in a hole and beat the crap out of me day. In between those days I had 3 nights that I had a total of 6 hours sleep. I have insomnia and usually take a little something something to sleep.
I got all the Christmas shopping done, except grass. I still don't know yet if we are getting each other something this year or not. I usual do whether he does or not because I like the excitement. You know wrapping the gift and hiding it and then the surprise. But this year is so tuff.
The other night we went to Grass's company Christmas party. I had 2 strawberry Margarita's, nicely paced. Unlike someone that tore into Grass for 45 minutes. She was toast. Kept repeating the same crap over and over again. "You have the power now, use it", "I am behind you 150%", and "Get samples". I felt so bad for Grass. He just kept saying "Yes, I understand. uhuh, ok". It will be interesting if he see's her at work today and what if anything she has to say to him.
I am a little nervous like usual about going home, my Dad and I don't get along well. He says and does things that are uncalled for and doesn't care who he offends or hurts. Everytime I see him he does this. The last time we went to visit, I was entering the security area at the airport and he made a comment. "Do I get a hug". I of course replied " I was about to as soon as I put my bags through". He then bent over, hugged me and whispered in my ear "Jenn, Please, if you loose all that wieght I will send you $1000.00 in cash", released his grip, smiled and winked as I walked astonished into the secure area. All I could think was, I am getting on a plane one year almost to the date after 9/11, a plane that may crash, and it may be the last time you see or talk to me and this is what you say. No safe trip, I love you, we will miss you, thanks for coming, you know the routine speach you give to a guest that has come to visit or a loved one. I know it sounds dramatic. Thats how I feel though in times when you are leaving somone. You know, make sure you leave on a good note, because it might be the last. I'm not saying make yourself sick over remembering to do this, I just try to make it a habit. Example, Grass or I leave, we say we love each other and see ya soon. Just in case. Anyhow that is how my dad is. I know I can't change him, I accept it. It is just difficult to deal with. I don't deal with it well. I am older and feel the need to stand up for myself or others he offends. I need to just shake it off and laugh. I need to think to myself, what a pathetic sad soul he must have. Something will come around and bite him back someday. Not terrible, just a little nibble, for him to respond with "What the Mother F$#& is that?"
Well I have a few things to clean up in the house and a hot shower to take. So all of you traveling, in this wind, good luck, stay safe, warm and happy.

In small doses

Kids in small does helps. God and everyone knows I love kids. I think I love my sanity better. I had Liljsm and his three adoring children over for the afternoon. It was a pretty good visit all and all. Boo-boo wasn't as scary as the last time we had him. OMG I thought the devil was in that child. Or someone gave him shrooms and catnip for a week straight. I think I can only deal a short time because I have a small, little, tiny issue. I am a clean freak!! These kids are not pigs, they clean up when told, given it may take a few times being told, but for the most part dad watched out for them in case tragedy may happen and I may be pushed to have an anxiety attack. The 2 oldest are boys and always on the go........... Can be loud, and may run under your feet or through your house a few million times. Point is, they are harmless. Lovable, make me laugh with tears in my eyes, fall to the ground laughing at times, and most of all temporarily. They get to go back home. So like I title, small doses is wonderful. Although I might just have to take the youngest little angel forever. HEHEHE! :) Singing Christmas carols in the Montana was the best though. Even if we only new the first few lines of each song. Luv ya Liljsm and those turkeys of yours.

What's new?

I haven't written in a few days. Grandma's lawyer lost her Promisary note and now she may loose her house and place of residence. I have officially started smoking again. I was given a pack of smokes by a friend because I was stressed out. I thought, well I will just have one when I am stressed out to relax. Ya that lasted umm a week and a half. And now I am craving so bad. I need a smog when I am board, lonely, stressed, walking outside, walking to the mail box, talking on the phone, driving, ahhhh. The toxins have sucked me in again. At least I haven't boughten a pack yet. This doesn't mean I will mooch off of people. Hey if they offer, thats different. Fair game if you ask me.
Liljsm looks like he maybe able to save Takara after all. She will not be the same, but she will be there. Found out that not only am I going home for Christmas, but my parents will be taking grass and me to Niagara Falls to see my other Grandma. I am very happy. Family means a lot to me. I'm not sure how Grass will feel. Probably like he is being dragged around like a dog. It's funny because when I first came here to visit he wanted me to meet all his friends and family. He doesn't really want anything to do with my family. Oh well. Probably a man thing.

Estate

LIke all people I have a hard time when people die. I have an even harder time with lawers and thier greediness. When my mother in law and father in law passed away, my Grandmothers house was left hanging in the middle of a lot of crap. Thier was a life estate contract drawn up with a promisary note by my Grandmothers laywer. Now usually something that is drawn up with a laywer and filed with a laywer, the laywer has a copy of. Guess what. He does not have a copy of it. At least not one signed. Grrr. I thought we would some day be rid of this damn estate shit and get Grandma's house settled. Nope still not. I have recovered a copy of the promisary note through many phone calls and paper work, not yet a signed one. Grrr.