Waiting for something to happen.

It has been ages since last posting. This is not due to laziness or lack of time; but yet more....MY LIFE IS BORING!! I don't know maybe its a good thing that I don't have major drama in my life. Such as JSM's friends, whoa could there be a soap opera there?
Money has been tight! I mean tight, can you say rolling pennies tight. I have applied to a few places and I have tried to look online, our internet is fcking off though, so it makes it hard. Also how can someone apply to places if there is no fuel in the tank to get you somewhere? It will happen in good time I know it. Just as other MAJOR THINGS I want.
I have finally finished scanning all the family photo's I want into the computer. I just need to burn them on a disc and send it to JSM. He will put it into a master piece of art. I am thinking and attempting to make a family tree template to put in the project as well. Not a fancy one or even an in depth one. Just the basics. Great Grandma and down.
My friends daughter had her baby last week. We almost lost them, but we didn't. The baby and her are healthy. The baby was given up for adoption. It was a healthy and natural transition. I am so happy and proud of everyone involved. I wish all of them the best.
So My Dad is off to a specialist today to look at his x-ray of his back. He has been in major pain for years and there is an unknown mark on the x-ray that specialist is to decide whether to send him to get an MRI to see what it is. Everyone is concerned that it is a tumor. YES CANCER. My uncle went through this bullshit of Canadian Medicine almost 3 years ago. By the time they gave him an MRI and found out what it was it was too late. It was a tumor the size of a football intertwined I his pelvis and spinal cord; which meant it was inoperable, in addition it was the most aggressive cancer they had seen. A RARE CANCER. So you might say I am a little freaked out. OK A LOT. And here I am dealing with it alone, 3600 miles away from home. OK OK Jenn, shake it off and get a grip. Hey I'm not smoking and nor am I craving. I have decided that I am just gonna quit, I need to be as healthy as I can to conceive. Ya I know I could loose a lot of weight too. I'm missing something major for that, MOTIVATION!!
Well back to my project.

This is the just of it!!

My like is so manopnous that I could fall asleep watching a movie of it. I have no motivation most of the time except to keep the house clean and cook. I am so drained, I am in yet another slump. I guess slowly getting off Medications does that to you. You I think moving up here has helped me but cursed me as well. I can't seem to leave to house unless seeing someone I know. I look out the windows and see no one. No kids going to school, no neighbor's in their yards, no traffic. Could it be I miss that? I think I am getting Cabin Fever. I can't even get this damn project I have wanted to start for months going. When I see people up at my house I do stuff, after they are gone I do stuff, but when days, weeks go by and know one calls or shows I go into a slump. Hmmmm what to do.
What to do when you live in a shoe? Move to a boot and get laced!!!

Mother May I?

I have been thinking lately about this baby thing. Of course the main thing being why I cannot have one. Last night a new revolation came to me. I might not be cut out to be a good mother. Maybe I don't have what it takes, there are many things about myself that could be construde as disturbing to some people. I have been told both I would make a wonderful mother and on the other hand I have been told that I would not. So last night when this thought came to be I began to analyze it like I do everything.
First and foremost, MONEY. I need to be bringing in some extra money and I am not at this point.
Second, MEDICAL. I have a few medical challenges to over come. The medication I am on for them, I must get off while being pregnant. There is no safe replacement for them. (Note they could also be a cause for not getting pregnant). If off these I could have a major relaps.
Third, MENTAL, I suffer from depression. My whole family does, hell everyone in Idaho I think does too. I have it under control now, but it took a very long time. I would hate to lapse and possibly develop POST PARDON DEPRESSION.
Fourth, FREAK. I am basically a freak. A clean freak, organized freak. Things have to be just right or I freak. I have toned down a lot, but who says I won't get worse. What if I raise my child and I am not satisfied with thier best work? Example, makeing a bed.
Fifth, I am so old fashioned with morals and standards as well as strickness maybe I would drive the kids to insanity.

So I came to a conclution or maybe just excuses. Yes we need some extra money and I am certainly going to get it. I can only try and get off the meds and see what happens. I have tackled depression before and so has my mother, I can tackle it again. I am clean because I want to be, because its healthy, and being organized makes life easier. I am still old fashioned and will always be because it works for us. Plus I know my parents love me and I know Grass loves me. I can do this.

Ps, My mother gave me baby blankets from when I was a baby, so for a little help of good luck I put them in the crib I was given. Maybe it will work. Or I am just fucking sick in the head, shit I knew that, did you all?

holy crap did you miss me?

I am finally back and ready to blog. Grass and I went on vacation to Canada (my home town). The drive to Salt Lake was really nice. We only stopped to pee once. We got to the airport 6 hours early so we went to see a movie. It was good and cheap. I like last minute things that are cheap. The flight out of Salt Lake was 2 hours late because the airline company was so unorganized they didn't know where their asses began and ended. We flew into Las Vegas late, but we had an origional lay over of 1 1/2 hours. Our plane was then late 2 hours because of the previous plane and our plane had no gate to get too. We arrived in toronto 4 hours late from origional time. Mom and Mark met us there and we took a 4 hour drive to North Bay. FUN!!!
We arrived at my parents home and I saw my Dad and hugged him so hard and for some reason I began to just ball. I think its because I know he is in so much pain with his back and all. I guess I am pretty scared about loosing him. Mom then gave me one of the best Christmas gifts ever early. My baby blankets my Nanny had made me. Ahhhh!!! She had also found an old high school year book. OMG!! Embarrassing!!!
We then had the famous GRECO'S PIZZA to order. YUMMY!!
We then decided to go and visit Aunt Theresa, Tammy, Mark, Zack and Teila (Family). We had some drinks and joked alot and made sure plans were in order for Christmas night.
Christmas Eve Grass and I opened our stockings from Mom and Dad, We both got underwear and snack!! They are so funny. We then gave Them thier gift, they loved it.
Christmas morning we head to my brothers and opened up the gifts with nieces and nephew, and then had breakfast. Yummy!! I got sick though.
We went home and had a nap, and got ready for dinner. We went back to Aunt Theresa'a and had a yummy Christmas Dinner!! And home for bed.
Boxing Day 26th, Morgann my brother's biological daughter and the rest of his family was to arrive at my parents at 1pm. I seem her and picked her up and just held her forever!! I love my BOO!! Morgann then opened her gifts and a gift with the other kids together. We then had dinner and watched movies and stuff.
Grass and I played with the kids, went shopping, relaxed and lazed around until everyone came over for the secret santa for adults. Well there was a secret alright. My Grandma came to see me from Niagara falls. I balled then too.
We went Ski-dooing and visited, played cards, joked a lot and just relaxed. Best time ever!!
Until we had to fly out of TOronto. We got there 2 hours early and the gate we were to leave out of had a plane stuck there with maintance issues. 2 hours later and much irritation with the airlines idiots we are on the plane ready to depart. Oh but we can't, there is a fuel spill where the luggage poeple are and they can't get out to load out bags. OK so they find a way out. Then there is a FLAP issue with the Plane. Piolate announces "we are having a FLAP issue." That was it, no we will fix it, or it is fixed. Nope we just take off. HOLY FCK I had a heart attack I swear. So we arrive in Pheonix late due to all the issues that have nothing to do with weather and we miss the last flight out to Salt Lake. So the code in the computer doesn't specifically say "late flight due to mechanical issue", and not weather, they can only book us in the morning and give us a discount hotel. Ok, but we have to be back at the airport for 3am. I was like well how much is the discount? We would have had to pay $45.00 for 3 hours of sleep. I don't FCKN think soo. So we attemped to sleep at the Pheonix Airport under the escalators what we thought was a great, dark quiet place. OMG!!! they still play stupid announcements at 1 in the morning and they decided to send maintance in and do constuction beside us up above. Grass got a little sleep I didn't. I ended up sick and throwing up in the bathroom at 4am. We got our flight out at 8:04am. Picked up our luggage and van and went home. Holy crap I wanted to kiss the Idaho ground.

Well I beleive thats it folks!!!

Happy New Year too All!!!

Love you all!!