He's here, early, but here!!

Nicholas arrived Friday, February 24th at 6:07 pm. 6 lbs 9 oz and 20 inches long. He is 5 weeks early.
He is beautiful!! We love him soo much!!

Where can I drop my thoughts off?

Well my mind has been racing again. No surprise there. I have been told over and over again it is normal due to the upcoming events. I know it is normal, I just wish there was someone to listen, just so I could get it off my chest, out of my mind and have some peace. I am terrified of labor. Mostly because my MOTHER is going to be there and she doesn't believe in pain. Extreme pain to her is mild discomfort. My mother has been through a lot in her life, both physical and emotional. She has no patients for someone whining about pain. So how am I suppose to look to her for support while in labor if all I will here is "buck up, you ain't felt pain until you have walked in my shoes". I love my Mom but damn as she gets older, she looses her nurturing ways. I really do admirer her for going through what she has though. I am so scared I won't be able to handle any of the labor. I HATE PAIN, I will run as far away from it as I can. I am a wimp and will never try to hide it.
I am also really scared that I won't be any good at being a mother. Grass is always asking me if I will love the baby. That freaks me out, there must be something wrong with me if he is asking that kind of question. What if I can't do it, what if I can't do any of it. What if he comes out and I have no feelings what so ever. I have learned a really bad habit of trying not to feel anything and not to talk about it. I'm not mushy like I thought and what Grass thinks I should be. Does this mean I will have PPD? What if I do, Lord I do not need anymore problems in my life, I have enough. I just want this baby to come out and for Grass and I to love him or her and each other. But what if I can't do that. What if.... What if..... What if.... I can't even express myself. I don't know how to put what I am thinking or feeling into words, or I am to scared to put them in to words....

Why can't I change the world?

Before I begin my post I would like to say, I NEED A NEW BLOG TEMPLATE!!!
Moving on.... I found out my 14 year old niece back home in Canada is in the hospital again for not eating and cutting her arms up again. She was in the hospital not too long ago, July I beleive. This poor girl has been through so much and her parents have given up on her. My brother has not married her mother yet but I still consider her my neice on all other counts. I remember being her age and having so much pain and confusion and my life was nothing like hers is now. I have another neice that was shipped away this past October to be with thier fathers family and father that was convicted of molesting a child of his. What the hell is wrong with people these days? I just want to scoop up these children and place them into the loving hands they deserve to be held with. I want to take the idiots that subject them to cruelty, neglect and mistreatment and just beat on them. I have tried with everything I have in my power to help the one neice that is close by with no results. I wish I had so much more of me and money to give. I would do so much more. I feel almost as helpless as the children because I can't seem to be able to do anything to help. Why do people have kids or continue to raise them if they didn't want kids. How can a parent pick a favorite child over others. How can a parent or loved one ignore a childs cry for help over and over again. I hurt so bad inside for these kids. I remember feeling the way my neice in Canada felt. No control over anything and days of pain and anguish, never an end to the tears and the only thing I could control was the release of pain when I cut myself. As the blood rushed out so did the pain. I know and realize now how bad it was to do that but I also know why I did it. No one knows how bad it is when they are going through that until they find the light at the end of the tunnel. That tunnel was so very far away from me, years. I hate to see anybody struggle that long to find a glimpse of hope. I pray to God everyday these children find hope, help and a new beginning before they find the end.
I decided awhile ago that after the baby comes and I am ready to get out and about I will be volunteering some of my time to Pearl House. There was a Doctor in my husband's life that really helped him and has helped to many other kids in need. He is now running a project called "Pearl House". It is a wonderful idea and something this area so desperately needs. I wish there were so many more people willing to give thier time like this man to find hope for those that have no where to go. Here is a link to his site, please just take a peak.
http://www.pearlhouse.org/

Finally Painted

We also took a few pictures of our Siamese Cat getting a massage.

I have finally finished painting the nursery. I'm am sure everyone is sick of hearing about this baby and everything to do with it. Sorry I just have nothing else to talk about. Mat and I had decided long ago we didn't like the cutesy baby stuff and that we weren't goona have Winnie The Pooh and stuff. So we found a horse border we really like and matched the sky color with a paint. We first had to fill in all the cracks with spackleing. You see our house has never been painted. They put the walls together, didn't even tape the corners, and then just sprayed texture with primer on the walls. Well the first time the house settled the ceilings cracked, the corners and so on. They apparently tried to fix it with paint. But only over the cracks. No spackling, nothing. It looks like ass. So that's why I had to spackle. Mat painted the ceiling for me. I got two walls painted and then ran out of room because we had a futon and the crib still in the room covered with plastic. So Mat took his tiny butt and finished the paint for me. Thank God for ONE COAT PAINT. I then made clouds on the walls and put the border up. I really didn't think I could do it, but I did. I thought it would end up looking like ass, but I think it actually turned out pretty good. I took some pictures. I know I have some friends that read this that will never return to Idaho, so this is for you. Our bedding is on the way in the mail and we still need a dresser. But it all takes time.