What the hell is wrong with me?

I know my hormones are out of control and it is normal during pregnancy to go through some highs and lows. But when the nurse tells you that you are prone to have Post pardon Depression and you should talk to someone if you get down, I begin to think I am not normal. I am scaring myself. I can't talk to anyone about this, I am even scared to blog about it. One - no one really cares, or Two - people will be upset with me. Three - they will misunderstand. I am starting to question everything about myself. I am also feeling really selfish lately, wondering what this baby with do to my marriage, we are in the best place we have ever been and I am so worried that it will end. Instead I should be loving every minute. I am getting very depressed because I am starting to get big and so many people were so happy I had lost the weight. Selfishly I don't want to gain any weight. Not one pound.
I have this horrible dreaded feeling that comes over me. I usually get really excited and motivated when an occation is coming up. Thanksgiving is in 2 days. We are going to our Grandparents, and Jsm will be in town, we may not see him but I usually get excited even if I don't get to see him. And I have no motivation or excitement. I just feel dread.
I was asked what I wanted a boy or a girl, I have always wanted a little girl, but I am having a boy, I am really, really trying to accept it, but it is so hard, what the hell is wrong with me. I keep asking myself what kind of mother will I be, I will have nothing in common, nothing to teach him, nothing to learn from him, and then I go to "oh my god, what if I can't love him". This is not normal, I know it can't be. I need a cast iron frying pan so I can severely beat myself with it. Knock some sense in to me. When I think about all this I just want to ball. I wake up in the middle of the night or in the morning and I feel this way and I just want to go back to sleep so I don't feel anymore. The only time I feel better is when I am doing something with my husband. Even then he has to push me. I have no complaints about work except the 9 hour shifts, I have asked for a change and maybe it will happen. I have had bleeding a few times after a couple of 9 hour shifts. I feel horrible about staying home and not working but I feel better not taking any chances when I have a complication, no matter how small. God this must tell me that I do care, and that my other thoughts and feelings are irrashional. You would think.
Well I am so fed up of typing. Bye and Happy Thanksgiving to all and enjoy your turkey, family and friends, they are so precious and a lot of us do not really have any family or friends.