KINIPELI

Everyone is gone

2006-04-28T15:25:00.000-06:00

Well everyone has left and it is just Mat and I with the baby. Holy crap makes you realize how lonely you are. We got word that Mat last living friend is moving far away. Damn you know that leaves nobody here. Mat's uncle was diagnosed with leukemia right before Easter and could go any day or could live 6 months. He is 80 something so you know he don't have long. Life just kind of sucks right now. Yeah we have each other and our little family but holy crap do we always have to be alone, does everyone have to leave or die?? Fuck do we stink. I understand people moving on and bettering their selves, but this dyeing thing really sucks!!
So the neighbor's are bound determined to give us their horses even though we don't know if we can afford to feed them. At first we didn't know how we could afford to build fence, well now we are digging up their fence and replanting all the good posts for free, and tearing down their loafing shed and rebuilding a new one. Recycle Recycle I guess. Lulu has Tape worms, Lizzy got bit by the skunk and Gismo's back leg has no feeling so he limps everywhere, we think it is paralysis from the calcified disks in his back, try and get into the vet Monday. Crap I can't handle all this at once. Where the hell is the money gonna come from. We are still paying off the Babies Medical bills(not complaining there). Although his Bili-Light was $475.00. Ahhh!!! I guess we will pull out the plastic. I would take a job but we have absolutely no place for the baby to go. I would go back to Wal-Mart in a heart beat. I have to say Mom really helped us out a ton. If we didn't have all this extra stuff we would be ok. Just ok. Thanks to my parents. God Bless them, and I hope I win the lottery and can repay them someday.
So we decided to go to Yellowstone while my mom and Aunt were here. Yah guess what it don't open till May. So we got as far as the South Entrance sign. We drove to Palisades, Jackson hole, and through Teton Park. We saw moose, caribou and trumpet swans, so it wasn't a total waste.

2006-03-25T08:55:00.000-07:00

Nicholas is One Month Old today. This Tuesday will be his original due date and it will Be interesting to see how much he weighs.
As of today he weighs a little over 8.5 lbs. and is about 21 inches. Long. He is eating so much Better, about 4-5 oz. every four hours or so. Some days aren’t so good, he just snacks when he Wants. That was yesterday. He isn't sleeping through the night yet. He sleeps about 4-5 hours And then is hungry. Doctor said don't push him until he is past his due date. So we will see. He has a little Acid Reflex but the medicine helps.
He has been lifting and holding his head up since he was born, but now he holds and turns it.
Its not for long but enough for him to look around, when he is really mad you can see how Strong he is. He is strong like his Dad. As you can see in the photo he has really filled out in the face. His hands, fingers, and legs Are starting to show baby fat. So all in all he is doing extremely well. When Mat gets home from work and Nicholas is on the 8pm. Schedule; that is their special time
Together. Mat feeds him, burps him, changes him and gets him ready for bed. Mat likes to Play and pretend Nicholas is riding a horse. It's fun, they have a good time together.
We have been out visiting everybody and just having a good time.

What a handsome young man!!

2006-03-11T19:44:00.000-07:00

This is Nicholas at 9 days old. We were gong to take him to Wal-Mart and have his photo professionally taken but I thought I would try taking it myself. I think I did pretty good job!!

He's here, early, but here!!

2006-02-28T12:43:00.000-07:00

Nicholas arrived Friday, February 24th at 6:07 pm. 6 lbs 9 oz and 20 inches long. He is 5 weeks early.
He is beautiful!! We love him soo much!!

Where can I drop my thoughts off?

2006-02-22T17:03:00.000-07:00

Well my mind has been racing again. No surprise there. I have been told over and over again it is normal due to the upcoming events. I know it is normal, I just wish there was someone to listen, just so I could get it off my chest, out of my mind and have some peace. I am terrified of labor. Mostly because my MOTHER is going to be there and she doesn't believe in pain. Extreme pain to her is mild discomfort. My mother has been through a lot in her life, both physical and emotional. She has no patients for someone whining about pain. So how am I suppose to look to her for support while in labor if all I will here is "buck up, you ain't felt pain until you have walked in my shoes". I love my Mom but damn as she gets older, she looses her nurturing ways. I really do admirer her for going through what she has though. I am so scared I won't be able to handle any of the labor. I HATE PAIN, I will run as far away from it as I can. I am a wimp and will never try to hide it.
I am also really scared that I won't be any good at being a mother. Grass is always asking me if I will love the baby. That freaks me out, there must be something wrong with me if he is asking that kind of question. What if I can't do it, what if I can't do any of it. What if he comes out and I have no feelings what so ever. I have learned a really bad habit of trying not to feel anything and not to talk about it. I'm not mushy like I thought and what Grass thinks I should be. Does this mean I will have PPD? What if I do, Lord I do not need anymore problems in my life, I have enough. I just want this baby to come out and for Grass and I to love him or her and each other. But what if I can't do that. What if.... What if..... What if.... I can't even express myself. I don't know how to put what I am thinking or feeling into words, or I am to scared to put them in to words....

Why can't I change the world?

2006-02-14T11:42:00.001-07:00

Before I begin my post I would like to say, I NEED A NEW BLOG TEMPLATE!!!
Moving on.... I found out my 14 year old niece back home in Canada is in the hospital again for not eating and cutting her arms up again. She was in the hospital not too long ago, July I beleive. This poor girl has been through so much and her parents have given up on her. My brother has not married her mother yet but I still consider her my neice on all other counts. I remember being her age and having so much pain and confusion and my life was nothing like hers is now. I have another neice that was shipped away this past October to be with thier fathers family and father that was convicted of molesting a child of his. What the hell is wrong with people these days? I just want to scoop up these children and place them into the loving hands they deserve to be held with. I want to take the idiots that subject them to cruelty, neglect and mistreatment and just beat on them. I have tried with everything I have in my power to help the one neice that is close by with no results. I wish I had so much more of me and money to give. I would do so much more. I feel almost as helpless as the children because I can't seem to be able to do anything to help. Why do people have kids or continue to raise them if they didn't want kids. How can a parent pick a favorite child over others. How can a parent or loved one ignore a childs cry for help over and over again. I hurt so bad inside for these kids. I remember feeling the way my neice in Canada felt. No control over anything and days of pain and anguish, never an end to the tears and the only thing I could control was the release of pain when I cut myself. As the blood rushed out so did the pain. I know and realize now how bad it was to do that but I also know why I did it. No one knows how bad it is when they are going through that until they find the light at the end of the tunnel. That tunnel was so very far away from me, years. I hate to see anybody struggle that long to find a glimpse of hope. I pray to God everyday these children find hope, help and a new beginning before they find the end.
I decided awhile ago that after the baby comes and I am ready to get out and about I will be volunteering some of my time to Pearl House. There was a Doctor in my husband's life that really helped him and has helped to many other kids in need. He is now running a project called "Pearl House". It is a wonderful idea and something this area so desperately needs. I wish there were so many more people willing to give thier time like this man to find hope for those that have no where to go. Here is a link to his site, please just take a peak.
http://www.pearlhouse.org/

Finally Painted

2006-02-03T09:02:00.000-07:00

We also took a few pictures of our Siamese Cat getting a massage.

I have finally finished painting the nursery. I'm am sure everyone is sick of hearing about this baby and everything to do with it. Sorry I just have nothing else to talk about. Mat and I had decided long ago we didn't like the cutesy baby stuff and that we weren't goona have Winnie The Pooh and stuff. So we found a horse border we really like and matched the sky color with a paint. We first had to fill in all the cracks with spackleing. You see our house has never been painted. They put the walls together, didn't even tape the corners, and then just sprayed texture with primer on the walls. Well the first time the house settled the ceilings cracked, the corners and so on. They apparently tried to fix it with paint. But only over the cracks. No spackling, nothing. It looks like ass. So that's why I had to spackle. Mat painted the ceiling for me. I got two walls painted and then ran out of room because we had a futon and the crib still in the room covered with plastic. So Mat took his tiny butt and finished the paint for me. Thank God for ONE COAT PAINT. I then made clouds on the walls and put the border up. I really didn't think I could do it, but I did. I thought it would end up looking like ass, but I think it actually turned out pretty good. I took some pictures. I know I have some friends that read this that will never return to Idaho, so this is for you. Our bedding is on the way in the mail and we still need a dresser. But it all takes time.

2006-01-25T22:04:00.000-07:00

I couldn't sleep, I tried everything. So I got up and got on the internet hoping to find something occupy my time. I found nothing, except my blog. Noticed its been awhile since I had blogged last.
The thing is I have nothing to talk about really. Life is pretty boring. Just waiting for the baby.

Well seriously I don't know what on earth to talk about.

Its finally over

2006-01-05T19:03:00.000-07:00

Yes the holidays are finally over. They just seem to take for ever to get here and then forever to end. Now the only excitement is getting ready for the baby.
Went to the doctors this week, I am now 7 months along. Holy crap time flies, now its gonna go so slow because I'm starting to get all the aches and pains and crap. I lost another 2 lbs. I had gained 6, lost 1 lbs. Heck I don't know anymore. I just know I haven't gained all the weight back I lost. I DON'T WANT TOO. Baby is growing good. Kicking up a storm.. I think he is gonna be a kick boxer when he grows up. Hope not. We have gotten just about all the big stuff except a dresser, now we need a whole lot of little stuff.
The hubby and I went to our first birthing class. Lots of information!! I really enjoyed myself up until the video. OH MY GOD!!! I so just want them to put me to sleep to have this baby now. I don't want to know when I go to labor or anything, just wake me up when everything is out, and we are all clean and dressed again. I gross out really easy and I am extremely modest. I knew there was gonna be nudity in the movie, hell that don't bother me. We are born naked, I am fine with that. I have watched "A Baby Story" and basically thought we would be watching something like that but with some nudity. OH MY GOD!!! Yes I say it again and again. We got the full frontal doctors view. I did not in anyway need to see that. NOOOOO!! I do not want to do this now. I knew there would be pain I never would have experienced and I knew where the baby was coming out of, but heck I didn't need to see it actually come out of there. OH my,
I can't get rid of the images, I am scarred for life. That should be something you only see after you decide you don't want children or had enough. The hubby was like " Oh that's nothing I have seen worse working on a farm". It didn't even faze him. I just didn't need a visual picture that I would be stretched from here to kingdom come.
Moving onwards finally. I gave my notice at work for January 31st. I will be 8 months along then. There are many things I want to do around the house before the baby comes and also its getting quite difficult for me to stand for that long. I know I am a wimp.
Well need to get going. Hope you are all well.

Christmas Yah! (and oh, no one reads these!!!)

2005-12-18T08:50:00.000-07:00

Merry Christmas to all!! One week away and Santa will be sliding his fat butt down our tiny chimney. Well I am a little jealous of my husband. He got 2 more bonus's from work in the past month. One because the company made a butt load of money and wanted him to stick around. Big Big Big bonus and another was a Christmas bonus. I'm not jealous that he got the bonuses, I am jealous I don't have his determination, work ethic, motivation, and talent to do what he does. Grrr. I am so damn jealous. My own fault though.
We had decided we weren't going to do Christmas this year with the baby coming and all, we just thought we would have a real good one next year. But his brother called and said the whole family was coming so of course that changed. We went and bought a new tree since there was going to be kids here. And we limited our gift prices and who we were gifting.
My god we never new how much it was gonna cost to buy all this baby stuff. One lady told me that I am suppose to get it all at a baby shower, I was quite annoyed at that suggestion. First of all where I come from a baby shower is a surprise you friends and family do because they want to not because they have to, Second, you should never expect anything from anyone, we are bringing this baby into the world not our family and friends, it is our responsibility to provide for him or her. Besides Mat and I don't have many friends and family so of course when thinking about a shower when this woman spoke, I kind of got sad. We are pretty much alone in this. With his mom passing away and not being to share this with us and my family 3600 miles away, I just start to get really down. A baby with no Grandparents and no aunts and uncles. God that is depressing.
Mats Salamander died this week. He wasn't even suppose to make it last winter but we successfully helped him into hibernation. He just didn't make it this year. Mat was pretty down about it. Squirm was his little buddy.
Well we have gotten the car seat, stroller, pack n'play. The crib and changing table are on their way. All we need id the dresser now for all the big items.
My mother sent a Canadian money order for Mat's Xmas, she had something in mind for him but it is tooo big to ship so I was to go buy it and wrap it. So I go down to my Federal Credit Union to cash the money order that is in US DOLLARS. They won't cash it. So I go to the other branch to see my personal banker, JZM's sister. HEHEHE!! She gets on the phone and calls every bank and no one will cash it. One lady finally offered this one time and only. What the heck is the deal. I do this every year, what the heck? I was so aggravated. Gosh I really own Brit one. Well off to work, to see all the crazy people.

Baby Name Poll

2005-11-30T17:03:00.000-07:00

Well, we have come up with one name we like and I would like everyones opinion. We have been looking and looking and so far this is the only one we like. Please tell us what you think and if you have any other name idea's.

Nicholas

Meaning - "Victorious People"
It is Greek.

So let us know what you think and others think.

Thank You.

Thanksgiving was good

2005-11-30T16:53:00.000-07:00

How was everyones Thanksgiving? Ours was pretty good. First of all we had a surprise show up on our door Wednesday. It was Grass's brother from Vancouver, WA. He took us out for dinner, gave Grass a early Christmas gift and stayed the night. I was awake at 5am. I made a huge breakfast for the guys and they were barely hungry. I made hash browns, eggs, sausage, bacon, and pancakes. I guess they were still pretty tired. I then made a salad and 2 apple pies. One to take to the neighbour and another to take to our Grandparents. We went and we talked, ate, too somepictures and visited and left. We had company coming so we had to leave early. Our company had a change of plans so Grass's Dad and step mom came up to see the house later that night. God I hope that don't bite us in the ass later. The next morning we had friends from Utah come and visit and then that night liljsm and the kids came. So it was full of family and friends. It was nice. I thought we would be all alone the whole week. I was wrong. Boy was I tired after though. It was all worth it. Now we just have to get ready for Christmas and the baby.

What the hell is wrong with me?

2005-11-22T09:13:00.000-07:00

I know my hormones are out of control and it is normal during pregnancy to go through some highs and lows. But when the nurse tells you that you are prone to have Post pardon Depression and you should talk to someone if you get down, I begin to think I am not normal. I am scaring myself. I can't talk to anyone about this, I am even scared to blog about it. One - no one really cares, or Two - people will be upset with me. Three - they will misunderstand. I am starting to question everything about myself. I am also feeling really selfish lately, wondering what this baby with do to my marriage, we are in the best place we have ever been and I am so worried that it will end. Instead I should be loving every minute. I am getting very depressed because I am starting to get big and so many people were so happy I had lost the weight. Selfishly I don't want to gain any weight. Not one pound.
I have this horrible dreaded feeling that comes over me. I usually get really excited and motivated when an occation is coming up. Thanksgiving is in 2 days. We are going to our Grandparents, and Jsm will be in town, we may not see him but I usually get excited even if I don't get to see him. And I have no motivation or excitement. I just feel dread.
I was asked what I wanted a boy or a girl, I have always wanted a little girl, but I am having a boy, I am really, really trying to accept it, but it is so hard, what the hell is wrong with me. I keep asking myself what kind of mother will I be, I will have nothing in common, nothing to teach him, nothing to learn from him, and then I go to "oh my god, what if I can't love him". This is not normal, I know it can't be. I need a cast iron frying pan so I can severely beat myself with it. Knock some sense in to me. When I think about all this I just want to ball. I wake up in the middle of the night or in the morning and I feel this way and I just want to go back to sleep so I don't feel anymore. The only time I feel better is when I am doing something with my husband. Even then he has to push me. I have no complaints about work except the 9 hour shifts, I have asked for a change and maybe it will happen. I have had bleeding a few times after a couple of 9 hour shifts. I feel horrible about staying home and not working but I feel better not taking any chances when I have a complication, no matter how small. God this must tell me that I do care, and that my other thoughts and feelings are irrashional. You would think.
Well I am so fed up of typing. Bye and Happy Thanksgiving to all and enjoy your turkey, family and friends, they are so precious and a lot of us do not really have any family or friends.

So you wana know??

2005-11-15T14:56:00.000-07:00

This morning was the ultrasound. 9 am bright and early. It took over an hour looking and making sure everything was there that was suppose to be. In that whole hour that baby had it's knee's up to its chest and wouldn't let us take a peek. The doctor came in after awhile just to make sure everything was good. It was.
Anyways the doctor pressed really hard on my tummy to get the baby to move and reposition, and he did. They got a glimpse of some "Outdoor Plumbing". Its a boy!! Not a guarantee, they told us to keep our receipts just in case. He wouldn't stay still long enough to get a picture of that
though. He put his knees right back up.

He weighs in at 1 lbs for now. The top picture is a profile of his head to the right and his hand is up above.
The bottom left picture is his face. And the right is his arms and hands in a fist.

It is an "IT"

2005-11-14T02:40:00.000-07:00

OK ok so I said I would update the next day and I didn't. FIrst I was really pissed and disappointed and second, I was running for 4 days straight. Can you tell it is 2:42am.
Ok so Thursday comes and we get to the Doctors office with the camera, they ask us, "did we have you schedule your ultrasound yet across the street"? I replied "no, no one told me we had to do anything". So ya we go over at 4:30pm and of course Friday was booked solid and well Monday Mat didn't have off, so we will be going in Tuesday. I have to drink 32 oz of water between 7am and 8am and not pee, are they crazy? I pee every 20 minutes lately, and just laughing and I am just about peeing myself, and they wana push on my tummy with my bladder full? Hope they are expecting a waterfall!! I know they are used to it.
Friday was Brian's wedding. We thought our friends Rex and Nicole were going to be at our house first thing in the morning before they had to go to the Temple and so we were up and ready for company at 7am and no one showed or called. We got to the temple at 12:15 to take pictures and I was so mad. I guess it was my old fault, I must have misunderstood Brain. I thought he asked us to take pictures of them, but that it would be seperate from everyone else taking pics. Nope I had to get thier picture behind everyone else and print it for the reception. Hell that was just about impossible, not to mention totally uncomfotable because I was on Temple ground (yes stupid I know). Anyhow he told us he wanted the temple in the background and I was like that is impossible that close to the building to get it in the background, I had to stand way back. They were so small in the picture. Oh well it gets worse.
We went across the River and attended a Luncheon. It was yummy!! And after he picked the pictures off the camera he wanted for that evening. And then told us we had to be there an hour to hour and a half early. I was a little annoyed because that gave us not even 2 hours to run home, get the pictures cropped and printed, print the program he had just gave us, run to Walmart, Eastgate and stop in Rigby and then get to St. Anthony. Well we did it alright, WITHOUT THE DAMN PICTURES!!! We forgot them on the freaken desk running out to try and make it on time. GRRRR!!! I wanted to hide in the car and cry, I was so disappointed in myself, one simple task and I couldn't even do it. Well he wasn't mad. Oh and because we ran out of the house I didn't have time to read the program we printed and there were so many spelling and grammer errors. I felt like such an idiot. Well Katy's kids did a little performance for everyone and then we ate again, my kind of wedding, food, food and more food.
All in all it was nice. Rex and Nicole got to our house about 15 minutes after us, about 9:30pm. Got the boys to sleep, we had hot cocoa, apple cider and cake I made and then played Rummy 500 untill 2am. I had to work the next day and they had to be on the road at 9:30am.
Got up and I was sick, Mat told me to rest as long as I could and he would make breakfast, he started and Nicole took over for him and finished, he felt bad. I then rushed out of the house, noticed my oil was low, filled it and then got 1/4 way to work already late and noticed I didn't have my smock and access card. Ran all the way back home. Finally got to work 3 minutes late and punched in and "Badge rejected" What the hell. Looked at the schedule and I don't work.
Grrrr so mad.

Today is the day!!!

2005-11-10T08:50:00.000-07:00

I am 20 weeks and today we going to find out the gender of the baby. We are so freaking stoked. Mat's Health insurance through his work has a program for expected parents that is free and I signed up the other day. Everytime I need help or a question there is a number I call to speak to a specialized nurse. The same nurse assists me throughout my pregnancy. She calls once a month and keeps in contact with my doctor. Anyhow I think it really rocks and helps me feel a lot better, she explains things that my doctor doesn't seem to have the time to explain.
Anyhow we get to see the baby today. After if we see the gender we are going shopping for a few things. The nurse had advised me to pick out a few things to get my mind off the depression that might be setting in. She said if I start doing more for the baby, I would have something to look forward to that is positive instead of obsessing and worrying about things. I have a very high percentage of getting post pardum depression and she wants to steer me away from potentially getting it. Anyhow I need to get ready for work and then for the company we are expecting and the wedding tomorrow. I will obviously blog tonight or tomorrow with the news!! Oh my gosh I am so excited I just wana talk to everybody!!

A really good night.

2005-11-06T13:29:00.000-07:00

Last night was Mat's work party. They held it at The Mountain River Ranch in Ririe, Idaho.
Every other year it has been at a stiff country club. I was quite impressed that the company actually took at look at the employee's and what they might enjoy.
Anyhow we were to arrive before 6pm, to catch the wagon wide to the dinner hall. We had just made it in time. I don't know why we weren't there ealier like we usually are. Anyway, horses were freaking huge but beautiful. They are a breed of Draft horses. A Percheron Draft Horse. They are made for pulling, and packing. I was just in amazement in thier size and beauty. I want a few!!
We all meet in a warm building waiting for everyone to arrive so we could ride out together. There were 2 wagons. We got on the one with Katy and Bullwinkle (Horse's names). For some reason Katy needed a little extra encouragement to pull us and keep pulling us and well Bullwinkle was literly full of hot air. We decided he must have had a grain pail full of Beans before everyone else. He kept us hiding our faces in our jackets the whole ride. I guess beauty comes with a stinky price.
We all climbed off and quickly rushed inside to get warm and sat down. The disappointing thing was they didn't have hot chocolate. When you think of a evening wagon or sleigh ride in the cold crisp air you think of HOT CHOCOLATE!! I was soooo cold and all they had was soda, beer, wine and water. BRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!! So I had a pepsi, and then another, and another and another, I don't know what was wrong with me, a pepsi usually last me all night. I drank so much pepsi me front teeth were aching after.
Once we all got settled the owners got on stage and talked a bit introducing himself and weloming us and then informing us that each table had to sing to "She will be coming around Mountain River Ranch". We not only had to sing, we had to do something different from the other tables to be able to eat. The best got to eat first and obviously the worst last. He asked if anyone wanted to sing a favorite song before we got started and Joe (some idiot from work) got up on stage and began to sing "I am a Little Tea Pot". It was funny. Anyhow our table came in second. Not bad. There was Potato Salad, Corn on the Cob, Baked Beans (can you beleive it? Bullwinkle left us some) Steak or BBQ Chicken and Garlic Bread. And for dessert was Huckleberry Ice Cream. Yummy, it reminded me of Colleen. The whole night reminded me of her. After Dinner; our company paid for our own entertainment instead of the Ranches because so many people had already seen the shows. So we had a Hypnotist. Mat volunteered after much persuation. But he was unsuccessful in going under, he couldn't relax because of his back pain. Anyhow the guy got everyone to act like an ass pretty much and it was hilarious, I had to make a run for the bathroom, I was litteraly about the piss my pants and just made it. Ehhh never had that happen before, I guess thats what pregnancy does. One thing he did was get the woman to think Keith (the plant manager), Alen (the plant owner) and Monte (maintance guy, bigggg guy) to think they were famous hot looking guys. They freaking climbed on them and started kissing them. I was gonna die laughing. I was recording the show in the beginning but had to stop soon after because I couldn't hold the camera still. I was laughing to much. One of the girls was so relaxed she fell of her freaking chair and had to be caught before rolling off the stage. The woman that owned the ranch was a volunteer too and she was very proper mannered and the guy tried to get her to announce that she "Had a wedgie and it felt great" when ever he said "Mountain River Ranch", she refused to say it but totally hid her head everytime he said it. Anyhow the show was good.
After the show the Company Owner got up and gave his yearly speach and prayer and then announced the 5 people that have been with the company for 5 years or more. Mat was one of them.. He gave Mat a $$$Hundred Dollar Bill and a new sweet looking jacket with the company logo. He than thanked certain people and there were other awards given and then every employee got a demin shirt with the company logo. All in all it was the best company get together ever. They took a poll of what we liked better, Country Club or the Ranch and we obviously said the Ranch. So from now on they are going to do more of these kind of events.
I am so very proud of My husband; he has worked his ass off and needed to be thanked and given some encouragement. He deserved that money and jacket and I can see it makes him feel good to be achknowledged. We had such a good time. Even though it was snowing when we got out.

2005-11-01T07:15:00.000-07:00

November is already here. Last night was Halloween and yup you guessed it no trick or treaters. That's ok we wouldn't have heard them come to the door because we were in the garage bathing our dogs any how.
Suzy got hit by a car on Saturday. It was so wired, the door bell rang, I answered it and it was a kid wanted pennies for something. He had an adult driving a van and him door to door. Right before he came I saw all 3 dogs and they were fine. After he left I decided to take a shower and as soon as I got out and dressed, (10 minutes) all the dogs were gone. Vanished. It was starting to pore out and I wanted to get the in the garage before I left for work so I know they would be dry and warm and I could not find them anywhere, I looked everywhere and called for them for 20 minutes. No one had seen them... Well I was gonna be late for work if I didn't go. I ended up going for work to early so I ran errands and then went to work and got home after 6pm. There was Gizmo and Lizzy scared as shit in the garage but no Suzy. I was like what the hell.
Went in side and there were 5 messages. "We have found Suzy, she has been hit by a car". My heart dropped to my stomach, my throat swelled and tears fell. Oh my god, poor Mat I thought to myself.. I listen for the rest of the messages. "She seems to be ok, just a few cuts and is in shock.... She is at the vet in Rigby...." A shy of relief, but yet I was like what the hell still, hit by a car? Where? How? We live in a court!! I called the number the kind people left.
apparently Suzy was on Bone Road alone. A bicycler saw a car hit her, they could not take her on the bike so they flagged a car down, those people in the car brought suzy to their house, put a heat lamp on her and proceeded to attempt to contact us, she had a tag. OMG (when we moved here I was like these dogs need tags in the country, someone finds them they will know where they belong) Thank the freaking lord I did that. Anyhow they called the Rigby Vet because she had her rabies done and had that tag too. They brought her in and just kept trying to call us until I got home and returned the call.
So we have been racking our brain on how she got to Bone road and why was Gismo and Lizzy back home when I got home. Hmmm. Well I think the dogs decided they liked following the little boy door to door and once he was done where ever he was, Gismo and Lizzy decided to come home. Most likely running, well Suzy being old, somewhat blind and deaf she probably was left behind and got lost. Heck I have no idea but I know that we are so very lucky to have all three of them back home safe and sound. And we have decided Suzy is really a cat in a dogs body because she has 9 lives!!!! She has been hit now by two cars, caught under a tractor, MAt accidentally hitting her in the driveway, two major ifections, she is deaf, blind and well freaking ancient!!!!! BUT WE LOVE HER TO DEATH!!!
Nothing much happened in October I think. I have a week away from being 5 months and finding out the gender of the baby. I have lost a total of 30 lbs and gained 2+ lbs for the baby. I am in normal clothes, yea that's right no more damn PLUS SIZE. And I am not only in normal clothes, I am in Large not X-LARGE. It is freaking amazing!!
A lot of people have noticed, the only one that hasn't is Mat. I guess cause he says he see me everyday and doesn't notice, how do you not notice 30 lbs less of me. That is a freaking toddler.
Anyhow, I am feeling better and better everyday. I realized the pills for my RLS was what was keeping my up and making my legs even worse. So I stopped taking them and now I am finally sleeping after 4 months of no sleep. Down fall, I have to see a neurologist for the RLS. I hate more freaking doctors. Poke and prod at me, call me crazy and everything else. I know whets wrong I have freaking RLS. Just give me something to help me deal with it and I'll be fine. Otherwise leave me alone. I have had, seen, taking enough, doctors, specialist and medication for the whole IF area.
Looks like we will be having company on the 11th, Rex and Niolce and the kids will be here and then in December Ben and his family of 5 will be here. OMG that's a lot!! I can do it though I did it last year with 4 of them. BREATH!!! I love company when it comes and love when it goes. I am just really claustrophobic and well everyone knows it a clean freak. Family is good, company is good. I love family and friends. And then it is relax time and prep time before the baby comes.
Work is going good, still no complaints, yes JSM that is right no complaints still. I kick ass in IPH, I know its a dead end job and my freaking cat could probably do it with his eyes closed, but I still think I am good at it. This Friday we are going to Moutain River Ranch for Mat's work party. I think it will be really fun, even though no one talks to us. And then on the 11th is Brian's wedding. That will be fun too I hope, I am not Mormon so I have to adapt to the simple wedding, I am used to huge party weddings back home. LOL!!
Mat is doing good, appeartly he asked for a raise at work and they told him it looks good, apparently they made quite a bit, a whole butt load of money this year and he will be getting a raise in the new year, a substantial raise. And the best part the other supervisor will be leaving hopefully in June and then Mat will be the lead Sup and he will be making money he never thought possible. But he this is all talk until it happens RIGHT!! I guess it is something to look forward to but not count on. It will be even sweeter if the company pays to have his teeth fixed too!! If he becomes the only SUP. He will be working a whole lot more. I hope he wants that and is ready for that. He would be pulled left, right, up down, you know what I mean. LOL
Well Grandma is going to Utah for Thanksgiving this year, so we are alone again, well we weren't totally alone last year, JSM has us over last year, YUMMY!!! Now he is gone. :(
Well I think I have typed my figures out.

HOly Crap I am behind

2005-10-03T20:20:00.000-06:00

I sit and complain that nobody blogs and look at me, almost a month and no blog. Well my life is pretty boring and simple, so there ain't much to write about.
Just a catch up on pregnancy news, still sick as a dog. Still getting shots twice a week. Last night was a scare, I was bleeding again. Went to DR. Office, heartbeat is strong and will go back in a week. Just need to keep an eye out and no lifting. My mom is excited and dad too. They are making arrangements to be here for when the baby is born.
Grass is in pain, he had a tooth pulled but they didn't seem to get it all and it seems to be absessed. Been taking care of him. Well think thats it.

I swear there is nothing left in me

2005-09-17T15:56:00.000-06:00

Well I am 12 1/2 weeks along. I offically vomit every single thing. Food, liquid and pills. I keep nothing down. Doctor was concerned since I wasn't getting my meds in that I should have B-6 shots 2x/week @ $10 a peice. Plus supositories 2x/day. Well thats not working. Plus I am not sleeping. Ok I know I asked for it, I wanted to get pregnant. But holy crap I havn't met anyone with these kind of issues. So I am complaining today. I am exsauted and dizzy from no sleep ( I can understand no sleep), no nutrition, and no Thyroids meds in me. Thats all I need now is for my Thyroid to have problems and it to affect the baby. I know, just thank my Lord for giving me this little miracle. I do I really do. Well I need to go and get to work. Oh please help me get through this shift with out vomiting.!!!

I actually believe it

2005-09-13T15:45:00.000-06:00

Its been over a week since I last blogged. Figure I should. I have been at Wal-Mart now for 13 days. I have to say I have no complaints. I have been on the registers for over a week now alone and seem to do pretty good. Today although I really fcked up. A lady came in and bought $960 work of gift cards each with different amounts ranging from 100, 50, 35, 20 increments. I had to scan and swipe each card and then put the specific amount on the cards. I did that. The lady noticed I accidentally put a few cards on the magnetic strip. So after she paid for them I told her that I could did not think I could find out if I demagnitized them and that customer service could. She said she didn't have time and wanted new ones. Well I tried checking, instead I accidentally put $300 more on the cards and then gave her cards that weren't activated. GRRRRRRRRRRR. Hell I told her I couldn't do it and that I would need help and she just refused and got pissed off. I screwed up so bad. After she left I got a CSM and told them what happened. Thank God they can fix it. Hell if you are gonna come in and get like 25 gift cards obviously it is gonna take awhile, you should make time. Anyhow they let me go home early. Yahoooo!!!
Ok so enough about work. Yesterday was my birthday. We went to Red Lobster, Yummy!!! and then to the Doctor and guess what we heard the baby's heartbeat. I still can't believe it. It seems a little more real and not so much a dream though. Grass recorded it on the camera. EMBARRASSING!!! He wants to send it to family and friends. Who the heck wants to see me on a table with a nurse rubbing my stomach?? Not I!!! Oh well we are so happy. Mom called and listened to it, she calls it HER BABY!!
Off to relax a bit.

A new direction in my life

2005-08-31T19:42:00.000-06:00

Wal-Mart here I come. I got a job at Wal-Mart, I start tomorrow bright and early. God I hate mornings. Especially being pregnant. My last day for my old job was today, bitter sweet I must say. I will really miss all the residents, none of the administration. They are a bunch of politically correct, discriminating, narrow minded, two faced, lying, religious freaks. I feel bad for everybody else that is still there. Sorry forgive me. Nothing against religion.
Anyways on to other things....
Well I am 10 weeks along now. I throw up here and there, have lots of cramping, headaches galore and ummm well I don't sleep much either. I am sure every woman has had these symtoms. Hopefully in month they will taper down, I don't want to be like my mother was with me, sick for 7 months.
We get to hear the heart beat on my birthday and in 10 more weeks find out the sex. OH I hope so bad its a girl. I think it will be a nice little birthday gift.
Grass and I will probably just take a drive to Chubbic for our birthdays, and go to Red Lobster. Nothing fancy, the gas there will cost enough. Well we haven't heard from JSM, hope him and Tron are doing well. I know they are.
Leonard is suppose to move back here. SHould here from him soon.
I better be getting ready for bed!!

It's official I am pregnant

2005-08-02T12:20:00.000-06:00

Finally after all this time I have something to blog about. Grass and I are expecting. I'll start from the beginning.
In the middle of July I had to take care of a tooth, so I new I was gonna go to a dentist and gets lots of drugs for the pain. My period was already late but that's nothing new. But to be cautious I took a test. It was negative. Well I took care of the tooth. I began to have gas problems and (sorry this gets gross) have constipation. Not normal for me, plus no period still. So on 7/27/05 I took another test. POSITIVE. I got into the doctors the next day and he confirmed it.
Well on 8/1/05 I began to have a lot of bleeding while have bowl movements. My OB had me rush in and do a HCG test to make sure there was still pregnancy hormones in my blood. It was about 15000. So they worried I was having a miscarriage and had an emergency ultrasound done. Turns out (I will probably explain this wrong) the placenta is moving and causing a tear. The OB ordered me to best rest and said I have a 40% chance of having a miscarriage. So I have been bed ridden since. Today I haven't had any bleeding so that is a good sign, but I need all the support I can get and guess what, Grass is all I have here. He has been unbelievably wonderful, but I am so scared. I am not good alone. So please if you have the time, could you say a prayer for us. Thank you.

2005-05-18T17:54:00.000-06:00

I have no clue what to name this blog. I haven't been blogging regularily in quite some time. I have noticed though that hardly anyone reads it anyways. LOL. I am not even sure what to blog about anymore. Any problems or issues I have I talk to my hubby with and then feel better. So I don't have anything to vent about. Plus I have been able to just let shit happen and not really talk about it anyway. No reason wasting your breath on stupid mindless shit you can't change right. Just learn from it and move on. Sooooo... what is new in my life, ummmm ohh I got this really cool bath thing. Its this mat that you put in the bottom of the tub, a hose is hooked up to it, on the other end is a motor that sits on the counter. You turn it on and its like a jucuzzi tub. OMG!!! It feels so good. AHHHHHHH.. It really does work. You would beleive how much I paid for it. $9.97 on clearance at SEARS!!! Nothing wrong with it, never been used, never been out of the box, no recalls, nothing. SWEET!!! Oh and Grass got a chain saw on clearance more than half off too. CLEARANCE ROCKS!!! We even got our sneakers on clearance. I think we are atticted. Do they have a CA - "cleanance annonomous"? LOL, I am so cheesy, maybe that why my hubby loves me. We are so cheesy together.
Did I mention that I love my hubby? IF not, I LOVE HIM!!! I am a freak!!
hmmmm what else to say, I have no clue, to all a good night and sweet dreams.
PS. JZR I miss our sweet times together, I may need to find a new sugar daddy now that you are gone.

TIme has vanished

2005-05-05T22:24:00.000-06:00

For those who don't know I had gotten a job about 2 months ago. It was suppose to be the most of 30 hours a week so that I could have enough time to assist my Grandmother. Well that 30 has turned into almost 50 hours a week some weeks. I informed them that if they cannot lower my hours I will have to look elsewhere. They bagged me to stay and that things would turn out. Well hahaha, that is a funny. My boss the head cook was demoted and the cook under her was promoted to head chef. Now my old boss is so pissed she is on the war path and not showing up for her shifts. Not to mention she is being majorly immature. The woman was baking a squash and decided to have a tantrum and cranked the oven to 500 degrees and ignore the burning spell coming from it an hour later untill someonelse from the facility could smell it outside the kitchen. OMG she so needs to go but yet that puts 2 cooks on 2 shifts 7 days a week. HELP!! Anyone looking for a cooking job, PLEASE APPLY!!!! We need all the help we can get.
Well I am exausted and have an early Doctor's appoitment before work. See you all sometime I am sure of.

Just cause I am board from being sick

2005-04-11T17:22:00.000-06:00

Hello all you beautiful people. If there is anybody reading this still. I am starting to feel a little better. The mornings are still really hard on me though. I think its the medicine though. Its a 24 hour thing and can't take it till noon because that was the time of the first dose I took. So usually about 2pm I start to feel some relief.
I am sleeping through the night though. I had I think 3 nights of 2.5 hours sleep and then up sick. Coughing, sneezing, not breathing. You know the what I am talking about. I had one night I woke up and felt like I had razor blades in my throat. Holy crap it hurt, could barely talk or swallow, I was scared it was strept throat. It cleared up several hours later. Ahhh.
Our fireplace was suppose to be installed this week, but it is delayed until thw 21st. It is understandable due to the circumstances that have occured.
Work is work. I need to learn to keep my mouth shut. If people are gonna talk trash let them and me just zip it and move on. And if people wana blame me for crap, oh well. That is any job.
Grandma's pipes collapsed under her house or in her yard. So yeah that is no fun. Parents are getting ready for the FOR SALE SIGN. Bye Bye childhood home, memories, and momento's. Life goes on. I am happy for them. They will find a new home that they are physically able to be comfortable and make new memories.
Grass's brother might be moving to Idaho after he finished his duty. Start a new life. It will be good for him I think. The other brother is having another baby boy in August. And reinlisted in the navy till 2010. Wow!!
Grass is tired and getting sick again. He found some trees we could buy for a reasonable price. And is keeping an eye on Aspen, she should have her colt any day now. I hope its a foe and has blue eyes. I hope it don't have her feet though. Damn that horse has to have her hovfes trimmed all the time. They grow like she eats magic beans or something. That's $65 bucks a shot to trim them. Thats alot every 2 months. Damn. Anyhow we are excited.
Need to start on the yard. Probable Thursday if it is nice. Power rake in and get the hoses out and ready. Fertilize and shit.
Squirm should be waking up soon from hibernation. He has been sleeping since January I think. We almost had another Cat, but I was really smart this time. It was a kitten, about 4 months old. Sweetest darn thing. But not trained in the claw department and hadn't had any shots or neutored. So I new that it would require me to be home with him and train him like my other 2 cats. As well as forking our more money we just didn't have. I felt that perhaps someone better suited could give him a loving home. Plus my Ashley wasn't liking to share anymore. Ashley is a lover but I felt we have enough animals and only have so much attention to go around. Plus I just gave the bunny away. I would be a hipacrit if I kept it.

Sick, Sick SIck

2005-04-06T12:25:00.000-06:00

I hate being sick. Damn cold/flu/sinus infection, whatever you want to call it, it is spreading all over my body and I hate it. So I got board and was in pain and decided to go online.
I took a personality test and this is what it said.
You seem to have a Type B personality. Your personality draws characteristics from each of the other personality types, that is, Type A and Type C. Either you adjust your behavior depending on the situation, or you tend to be moderated in your attitudes. In any case, you are the most balanced of the three personality types.
If you would like to take the test go to http://psychologytoday.psychtests.com/yahoo/anxiety/type_a_r_access.html

New job

2005-03-26T08:11:00.000-07:00

I finally got another job. I had two different places call for an interview on the same day. One is for a cook at an assisted living facility. I would work alone in the kitchen for 6 hours a day. So this would defeat the purpose of my last post.
The other job was in a busy fast food but casual eating facility. I would be trained in every area and then move to management if hired because of my credentials. I would be around people and have a rotating shift. Unlike the first job. I would have weekends off sometimes and always be busy doing different things.
Well I got a call from the first job on Wednesday offering me the job. Even though I want the other job to call I took this one because I NEED A JOB and will take anything right about now. I am already miserable but trying my damnest to make the best of it and make a success out of it. I get paid decent too. To me all the money in the world don't make me happy. In addition to the days working, I will have one day off to see Grass. That freaken sucks. I guess it good for him, except for I won't be home for dinner. Also the first 5 minutes I was at my new job, they informed me that there is a ton of DRAMA going on in the kitchen department and hopefully I won't be affected. OMG, I have enough drama at home. Anyhow I will call the other place today after work to see if they have filled the position and if not, I will let them know I will be willing to take less pay to start. I will also let them know how much I want the job.
I don't know what I was thinking when I said I wanted to work at a assisted living home again. I guess I forgot the main reason I hated it. ISOLATION!!!
Wish me luck.

PSSS, for those ppl who are reading my blog, I have a really good friend who is going through alot in his life. He just got reaquainted with a long lost friend who means so much more to him than he could have imagined. This friend of his is not good and needs as many prayers and thoughts as she can get. My friends needs a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on and someone to console him, many prayers would help too. God bless you friend!! We love you!!

Eye opening

2005-03-21T18:48:00.000-07:00

I have been doing some hard thinking lately. First of all I have to congradulate myself. I have gotten off my seizer medicaton successfully and know how to spot a seizer coming and not freak out. I am able to redirect my thoughts and sneak right past one. Anyhow yea for me. It only took 3 fking years.
OK, so I have come to realize a major reason for my unsuccessful employment history here. First of all I get stressed. I know everyone does. I get over stressed, I let every little thing piss me off, make me wonder and question everything. I just freak out about everything. I don't know how to control it. I know how to control stress at home, with family and friends. Just not in the work place. Once I am stressed my body immediately reacts. I have IBS, anyone who has it know any little kind of stress irritates it. The only difference to being at home with IBS and being at work, is that you can lay down and take PAIN MEDS, and sit on the toilet as long as you want, and in addition take many many baths. Can't take a bath at work, so I can't relax. Can't take pain meds at work, I would be high and I think there is a law about that some where. Anyhow my second reason for unsuccessful employment history is iscolation. Everytime I get a job I feel the need to make friends or at least get along to be polite. The next thing I know is I just fck off. I either judge people, tell them my whole life history, become two faced, or just annoy them or insult them. I just can't keep my mouth shut. I can't just go to work and enjoy it somewhat. I have to become everyones friend. At first I can deal with it all, but after I notice everyone else has friends or even just one buddy, I start to feel horrible. You know the odd one out, the outsider, the out kast, the loner. I hate it, it reminds me of high school. GRRRRRRRRR!! So once I am at this point I get stressed, depressed, and just don't want to be there anymore. Soon I start thinking everyone is against me and make no sense of anything. I blow everything out of porpotion. Or I just give up and quit.
My conclution is I don't want to fail again, and I don't want to be alone. How do I stop this idiot behavior now that I have reconized it? That is the question now. Hmmm I ponder.......

Boise

2005-03-13T14:25:00.000-07:00

Back from the state capital. The Jsm needed some time away to visit some family and to do some tech support. He unfortunately had no wheels and requested my accompaniment, I obliged. The furthest I have driven is to Chubbuck. So I knew this would be a slight challenge for me. I concord it pretty well if I do say so myself.
Our trip began at about I'd say 2pm and we pulled into Suz's about sunset. I went with her to watch a dance while Jsm started on the tech support. Got back and had a late dinner and watched some family DVD's. They were pretty awesome. I then rolled out my air mattress and out to dream land I went. Next morning we got up and went for breakfast at ummm can't remember; it’s the Jsm's favorite that's all I remember. Man it was freaken good. We ran a few errons and went to the Co-Op where we had our first Gelato. MMMMMMMMM Yum!!! The Co-Op was freaken awesome, all local farmer’s goods and so many things to look at. We then went to a store that had all kinds of things from all around the world. There was a naked lady carved out of the front of a tree trunk, hand made paper, and lots of Japanese stuff. We decided to take a trip down town to see the Fire Chief (Ok I don't know what position he hold but its fire something), anyhow it was nice to see downtown too. We took a drive to see something on a hill and I had to pull over (heights and cliffs just freak me out) so Suz drove. We didn't get to see much because the gate was closed. Headed back home and made chicken and dumplings. I headed to bed early again. I was up about 4am because my air bed lost air and I didn't want to wake anybody up so I took a shower cleaned up and read a little. We left for lunch for the Panda Express. You know it would have been really good but I just wasn't use to the sauce they used. Anyhow Yumm anyway. We went to a few stores and looked around and then decided to go to Cold Stones because I haven't been. They sing when you tip them, it freaken rocks, and the ice creams not bad either, ok it rocks too. Jsm's and mini me and I went to watch his brother and niece play soccer. I am such a freak, but resourceful!! I decided to take the seats out of my van for us to sit on at the game. COMFORTABLE is all I have to say. We were invited for dinner at yet another place I haven't had the pleasure of dinning at. Golden Corral. OMG!! SOOO good. I had had so much to eat already that day that I only made it to the salad portion. I was so full. But it all looked really good. We got home about 10pm and when I shut my van off, it died. I noticed the dome lights did not come one when I opened the doors, so I tried starting it, NOTHING, battery tested dead, then 2.70 and then 12.30, and then it started again. Long story short, I think my Pass Key is going bad.
Got up about 7am the next morning, cleaned up, packed and was on the road at 11:30am. OMG I was fighting winds like crazy up until Blackfoot. Can you say GIANT TUMBLE WEED ATTACK? Anyhow home safe and sound.

In other family K news..

2005-03-05T15:11:00.000-07:00

First of all, I want my flower back on my blog. Damn it!!
Ok, so 2 days ago a big yellow envelope came in the mail. The envelope had no return address on it. It was post marked "Feb 24 Portland, OR." only. Grass's name was on it spelt wrong and it was our old address forwarded here.

So I open it for him (his permission of course). The first page says "Addendum To Serenity Trust of Elephant Butte". As the title.
Then it says ..... The names have been altered for protection.

"Dated this 2nd day of January 2004
J P K 1st successor trustee after spouse, A E E 2nd Trustee
All Real Property is to be sold and net proceeds are to be distributed equally to A K's son, J P K and his daughter, A E E."

Then hightlighted in orange marker is...
"A K's sons M L K and B K K have been disinherited."

WTF is this??? So I look through it and it is a Trust written up for my husband's Dad and Step Mom. The original part is written and notarized March 2001. Then the addendum is written after and dated 02-15-2004. (note this is after the estate was settled for those who know our situation). And then the last page is hand written by his father stating the following...

A & S K's Trust agreement, Open only when both have died.

OMG!!
1st of all who the hell sent it? It wasn't BKK. It wasn't JPK. And it wasn't sent from Arizona so it can't be the father.
2nd, why send it if it is only to be opened at thier death?
3rd, why highlight that certain area?
4th, why no return address, BKK got the same thing in the mail.
5th, who the hell would cut part of thier kids out of thier will and not say why.

Those who know about this and are involved say, we don't care about the money or anyting like that, just why? What did we do that was so wrong?

Anyhow it is freaking creapy, because they are not DEAD yet.

I think I am over it, I have other stuff to worry about.

2005-03-05T14:49:00.000-07:00

Ok it has been a few days since the last incident occurred. I believe I have comed down, looked at it in every perspective I can, and believe I can just move on. It's not on my mind constantly anymore. The one thing on my mind is how do I begin to speak to someone I was once so close to again after feeling so much anger and sadness for. Anyone have any suggestions? I know just pick up the phone and open my mouth and start talking about something ridiculous. But there is one thing that still bugs me though, and its not just about this person its about anybody that has made a comment about my intelligence before. I am very sensitive about it. I realize I can be an airhead, as some would say and have blond moments. I can handle a smart ass remark here and there about something I have done that is just blond of me. But there is a part of me that gets hurt and offended, especially when it has to do with my brain. Most of my dear friends and family know that I came inches away from death when I was a teen due to my thyroid. Most of them realize what the effects have done to me. What I don't get is why if they know that my brain is fucked up in many ways, such as I don't read, spell, write, do math, in addition to decision making, comprehension, hearing, seeing, and speech has been affected. I was an "A" student with yes a learning disorder, but I was freaking smart. I am not making excuses for my stupidity in anyway, I am just saying it hurts and I have never said it has before and I am now.
In other news.... My dad found out some info about his job. Apparently another mechanic did something that they accused my father of. They know now he did not do it but want him to take demerits for it. They think he should hold some of the responsibility for something he had no involvement or knowledge of.

fuck i don't need this shit

2005-03-03T15:30:00.000-07:00

I had a friend from a long time ago. I was thinking about her. At least I thought she was my friend. I was so stupid to think that. Anyhow I got back in touch with her. We had a mutual friend and thought he could use some cheerring up so I told him I got in touch with her and told him how to get in touch with her. Well after that I was totally ignored by her. She wouldn't talk to me. As soon as she new it was me getting in touch with her all she wanted was information on this mutual friend. She didn't want much to do with me anymore. I noticed she was ignoring me and talking all the time to the other friend. So I made a joke to her about it and she freaked and so did the other friend. To me they can both fuck off as far as I am concerned right now. I feel as though they are selfish and never thought about me. 1. I got in contact with her. I cared enough to think about her. 2. I gave him her info to talk to her. 3. They used me after that. Now the mutual friend is telling everyone shit about me. He never see's anything he does. Fuck that!! Fuck them all. I can accept I offended someone and I can appologize for that. I admit I have done that. Does anyone else admit anything no, they just fucking blame me. Fuck it I have lost respect for them all.

i have no clue what to talk about

2005-03-03T13:28:00.000-07:00

Just thought I would blog because I have finshed my banking and have nothing better to do. Except look for a job and I did already. Could have had a job yesterday, but I applied to late. Oh well leave it in the past and move on. I am still waiting for my Dad's test results, havn't heard anything yet, kinda bugging me. Found an old high school friend, that is pretty cool. Been feeling a little down lately. But I am coping. Such is life. Well I have absulutely nothing else to say.

Bye world

The days are so long

2005-02-24T12:11:00.000-07:00

Like I said in other posts mother nature is playing tricks on us. Everything starts to melt and you begin to think life might get easier. For some reason life seems easier when it is NOT winter. Obviously it has more to do with than just winter, life for my husband and I has gotten loney. We have few friends and they are great. There just isn't family. At so many times we had hoped the family would just sink in a hole and never be found. This was of course due to many disagreements that many other families have. There was on the other hand two people we never had issues with (since married), that was his mother and step dad. We always had a great time with them. We could always pick up the phone and call to ask a question we were stumped on, go for coffee, go on an adventure somewhere new or just get together and play cards. There were never silent moments where the conversation just dropped. God I hate that when you or the other person feels intimidated by a conversation. Or your board with it. They always listened and always had something constructive to say about it. We always had something to do with them. Whether it heard cows, attempt to brace a calf leg, build fence, eat some new yummy food, or just take a drive in the country. They weren't afraid of work, or to have a good time. We miss them so dearly and find it so hard to find someone or something to fill in the void they have placed in our hearts. We end up sitting in the house staring out to no where wondering when we will find that again.
Like I said before we have a few friends and some grandparents. And they all have great qualities. Some I feel like I don't amount to much when around them and I get easily offened by others that I just ignore, because I need their friendship. Others the conversation drops or you are reaching and doing everything you can to make things move easily along.
We just want more. The other day we were at a friends house and the conversation is always interesting and intellectual and very hard to end or leave. These people mean so much to us but yet they are not our family and are reminded so often of that. I think if we could we would adopt them. I really don't know if anything today has made sense becaus I have just been babbling about what is rushing through my head.
I don't think anyone reads my blogs anyways.

Catch up

2005-02-19T08:39:00.000-07:00

Monday morning I took a walk down the long driveway to get the mail. As I open up my mail box, I see out of the corner of my eye a foot away 5 dogs coming after me. Before I could think of anything one of the dogs was attempting to bite my right leg. It got its mouth on my leg and I was able to shake it off. While I was doing that the sister of that dog was on my right leg with it teeth in me having a snack. The other 3 dogs were circling me. I think ready to have their late breakfast as well. Within seconds the owner of the dogs was yelling and approaching us closer and closer. Soon the dogs backed off. The owner asked me if I was ok. I told him what happened and that I thought I was ok. I wanted to know if they all had their shots, the owner only replied with a mumble. So I decided just to go in the house, I thought it would be ok until the bite started to sting minutes later. I called animal control to ask what the effects would be if a dog with a disease has bitten someone. The lady on the phone insisted I get to the hospital and that it must be reported whether I know they had their shots or not. I decided to go to Community Care. Animal Control took a report and contacted the owners. Later my husband spoke to the owners and cleared everything up and they are paying the bill. I WANT THE MAILBOX MOVED!!!
I spoke to my mother this week as well. I found out my niece of 14 years has begun cutting herself and has been diagnosed with anorexia. I wrote her a letter only 3 weeks ago offering her someone to talk to when she needed someone a far. I then also found out that my father will be getting is MRI Sunday. It took my uncle 6 months to get that test done. So I am stuck thinking 2 things. Either there is just an opening, thanks to god or good luck, or the spot on the x-rays and the other tests scared the specialist so bad that they want him in there immediately. Fuck I don't know what to think, I don't believe my mother would tell me the whole truth for fear I would break down after coming so far in my emotional life.
My mother than also informed me that my Dad has also been suspended from work until future notice for there is a pending investigation on him. They won't tell them what he apparently did. Fuck all my family has is drama.
Then to deal with Grass's side. His grandma has been fighting to keep her house and get repairs done, its a long story. Anyhow her attorney is an idiot. Can you say idiot inside? Anyways he says he doesn't have original copies of stuff that we have seen and then says he does. Ask us to go and ask all these attorney's questions for him and shit. Grrrrrrrrrrrr.
Tuesday we get a call from Grass's dad, so I hand the phone to him, he informs him that it is his grandparents 60th anniversary and if we wanted to go? Well we made sure Sharon is not there and that he will not cause problems with us and agree to go. It was civil. Anyhow that's all folks for now. I'm sure there will be more soon.

2005-02-13T09:53:00.000-07:00

Chances are you’ll find me
Somewhere on your road tonight
Seems I always end up drivn’ by
Ever since I’ve known you
It just seems you’re on my way
All the rules of logic don’t apply

I long to see you in the night
Be with you till morning light

I remember clearly
How you looked the night we met
I recall your laughter and your smile
I remember how you made me
Feel so at ease
I remember all your grace your style

And now you’re all I long to see
You’ve come to mean so much to me

Chances are I’ll see you
Somewhere in my dreams tonight
You’ll e smilin’ like the night we met

Chances are I’ll hold you
And I’ll offer all I have
You’re the only one I can’t forget
Baby you’re the best I’ve ever met

And I’ll be dreamin’ of the future
And hopin’ you’ll be by my side
And in the morning I’ll be longing
For the night
For the night

Remember When

2005-02-12T07:48:00.000-07:00

Money has been tight as I have spoken of before. All I can offer to my husband are some special words on Valentines Day. Not always can I find the words to fully articulate and express my undying love for this man. I found this song a year or so ago and it expresses how I felt when we met, how I feel now, how I want to feel in the future and always!! I love this man and never want to forget a moment of our lives together.

Remember when I was young and so were you
And time stood still and love was all we knew
You were the first, so was I
We made love and then you cried
Remember when
Remember when we vowed the vows and walked the walk
Gave our hearts, made the start, it was hard
We lived and learned, life threw curves
There was joy, there was hurt
Remember when
Remember when old ones died and new were born
And life was changed, disassembled, rearranged
We came together, fell apart
And broke each other's hearts
Remember when
Remember when the sound of little feet was the music
We danced to week to week
Brought back the love, we found trust
Vowed we'd never give up
Remember when
Remember when thirty something seemed old
Now lookin' back, it's just a steppin' stone
To where we are, where we've been Said we'd do it all again
Remember when
Remember when we said when we turned gray
When the children grow up and move away
We won't be sad, we'll be glad For all the life we've had
And we'll remember when
Remember when
Remember when

Update

2005-02-08T11:39:00.000-07:00

Hey all, how was everyone's weekend? Mine was half a blast and the other half I felt like crap.
Thursday we went grocery shopping for ourselves and the wise one. Then came home and Grass slept. He has a had a cold on going now for about a month and a half. Friday I felt sick but then got up and helped Grass shovel the ice and rock hard snow off the other drive way. Saturday we cleaned up the house and was suppose to have a bunch of friends over for dinner and hang out after. We planned on making Navaho taco's for everybody. I made 3 and a half dozen scones and 3 lbs of meat for it and it turned out to just one person coming. I was a little annoyed. After dinner we still had friends from a far drop in and spend sometime, so even though we didn't have a big crowd for dinner we had a good time after. We played a game of cards and OUTBURST. After that the talented Emily sang for us. I got the digital camera out and recorded it all for her. She sounded wonderful. American Idol has nothing on her. :)
Well later that night I felt sick and had pains in my abdomen and went to bed. I woke up to what I could swear was a truck running over me. I tried to get up and couldn't. Tried again and ended up in the spare bathroom hugging the porcelain thrown. We had had planned to get some things done, but it was obvious that I was gonna be either kissing the toilet bowl most of the day or in bed sleeping. Grass got the errons done and I was still sick when he got home. He arrived with JSM and the kids. They were relatively quiet and respectful. Although sometimes I worry about the middle one. I think he eats special mushrooms for the energy he has. The next day I ate again something I found out was the culprit's to my sickness. That shit is going in the garbage!! Anyhow off to a job search.

Is Spring and Smmer Ever Gonna Get Here?

2005-02-04T13:29:00.000-07:00

Oh we are so being teased. The sun is shining and hotter then hell at times but the air is cold and crisp. I look at the snow and think, hmm almost melted. And then I wake up the next morning and more frost, Brrrr. I hate winter. I like it when it is Christmas and the tree are full of snow and then I am done with it. Especially if you don't have snow machines to play with.
I hear birds chirping and the smell of water drippping off the roofs of houses. I get excited and then I realize it is still freaking FEBRUARY. AHHH. Can't take it. I wana go for walk, plant a garden and grass. I wana build the fence for the new horse. (Ok I know I need a job).
Anyhow mother nature is playing with our emotions. No spring in sight.

Waiting for something to happen.

2005-01-31T11:40:00.000-07:00

It has been ages since last posting. This is not due to laziness or lack of time; but yet more....MY LIFE IS BORING!! I don't know maybe its a good thing that I don't have major drama in my life. Such as JSM's friends, whoa could there be a soap opera there?
Money has been tight! I mean tight, can you say rolling pennies tight. I have applied to a few places and I have tried to look online, our internet is fcking off though, so it makes it hard. Also how can someone apply to places if there is no fuel in the tank to get you somewhere? It will happen in good time I know it. Just as other MAJOR THINGS I want.
I have finally finished scanning all the family photo's I want into the computer. I just need to burn them on a disc and send it to JSM. He will put it into a master piece of art. I am thinking and attempting to make a family tree template to put in the project as well. Not a fancy one or even an in depth one. Just the basics. Great Grandma and down.
My friends daughter had her baby last week. We almost lost them, but we didn't. The baby and her are healthy. The baby was given up for adoption. It was a healthy and natural transition. I am so happy and proud of everyone involved. I wish all of them the best.
So My Dad is off to a specialist today to look at his x-ray of his back. He has been in major pain for years and there is an unknown mark on the x-ray that specialist is to decide whether to send him to get an MRI to see what it is. Everyone is concerned that it is a tumor. YES CANCER. My uncle went through this bullshit of Canadian Medicine almost 3 years ago. By the time they gave him an MRI and found out what it was it was too late. It was a tumor the size of a football intertwined I his pelvis and spinal cord; which meant it was inoperable, in addition it was the most aggressive cancer they had seen. A RARE CANCER. So you might say I am a little freaked out. OK A LOT. And here I am dealing with it alone, 3600 miles away from home. OK OK Jenn, shake it off and get a grip. Hey I'm not smoking and nor am I craving. I have decided that I am just gonna quit, I need to be as healthy as I can to conceive. Ya I know I could loose a lot of weight too. I'm missing something major for that, MOTIVATION!!
Well back to my project.

This is the just of it!!

2005-01-24T01:04:00.000-07:00

My like is so manopnous that I could fall asleep watching a movie of it. I have no motivation most of the time except to keep the house clean and cook. I am so drained, I am in yet another slump. I guess slowly getting off Medications does that to you. You I think moving up here has helped me but cursed me as well. I can't seem to leave to house unless seeing someone I know. I look out the windows and see no one. No kids going to school, no neighbor's in their yards, no traffic. Could it be I miss that? I think I am getting Cabin Fever. I can't even get this damn project I have wanted to start for months going. When I see people up at my house I do stuff, after they are gone I do stuff, but when days, weeks go by and know one calls or shows I go into a slump. Hmmmm what to do.
What to do when you live in a shoe? Move to a boot and get laced!!!

Mother May I?

2005-01-11T13:43:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking lately about this baby thing. Of course the main thing being why I cannot have one. Last night a new revolation came to me. I might not be cut out to be a good mother. Maybe I don't have what it takes, there are many things about myself that could be construde as disturbing to some people. I have been told both I would make a wonderful mother and on the other hand I have been told that I would not. So last night when this thought came to be I began to analyze it like I do everything.
First and foremost, MONEY. I need to be bringing in some extra money and I am not at this point.
Second, MEDICAL. I have a few medical challenges to over come. The medication I am on for them, I must get off while being pregnant. There is no safe replacement for them. (Note they could also be a cause for not getting pregnant). If off these I could have a major relaps.
Third, MENTAL, I suffer from depression. My whole family does, hell everyone in Idaho I think does too. I have it under control now, but it took a very long time. I would hate to lapse and possibly develop POST PARDON DEPRESSION.
Fourth, FREAK. I am basically a freak. A clean freak, organized freak. Things have to be just right or I freak. I have toned down a lot, but who says I won't get worse. What if I raise my child and I am not satisfied with thier best work? Example, makeing a bed.
Fifth, I am so old fashioned with morals and standards as well as strickness maybe I would drive the kids to insanity.

So I came to a conclution or maybe just excuses. Yes we need some extra money and I am certainly going to get it. I can only try and get off the meds and see what happens. I have tackled depression before and so has my mother, I can tackle it again. I am clean because I want to be, because its healthy, and being organized makes life easier. I am still old fashioned and will always be because it works for us. Plus I know my parents love me and I know Grass loves me. I can do this.

Ps, My mother gave me baby blankets from when I was a baby, so for a little help of good luck I put them in the crib I was given. Maybe it will work. Or I am just fucking sick in the head, shit I knew that, did you all?

holy crap did you miss me?

2005-01-07T15:58:00.000-07:00

I am finally back and ready to blog. Grass and I went on vacation to Canada (my home town). The drive to Salt Lake was really nice. We only stopped to pee once. We got to the airport 6 hours early so we went to see a movie. It was good and cheap. I like last minute things that are cheap. The flight out of Salt Lake was 2 hours late because the airline company was so unorganized they didn't know where their asses began and ended. We flew into Las Vegas late, but we had an origional lay over of 1 1/2 hours. Our plane was then late 2 hours because of the previous plane and our plane had no gate to get too. We arrived in toronto 4 hours late from origional time. Mom and Mark met us there and we took a 4 hour drive to North Bay. FUN!!!
We arrived at my parents home and I saw my Dad and hugged him so hard and for some reason I began to just ball. I think its because I know he is in so much pain with his back and all. I guess I am pretty scared about loosing him. Mom then gave me one of the best Christmas gifts ever early. My baby blankets my Nanny had made me. Ahhhh!!! She had also found an old high school year book. OMG!! Embarrassing!!!
We then had the famous GRECO'S PIZZA to order. YUMMY!!
We then decided to go and visit Aunt Theresa, Tammy, Mark, Zack and Teila (Family). We had some drinks and joked alot and made sure plans were in order for Christmas night.
Christmas Eve Grass and I opened our stockings from Mom and Dad, We both got underwear and snack!! They are so funny. We then gave Them thier gift, they loved it.
Christmas morning we head to my brothers and opened up the gifts with nieces and nephew, and then had breakfast. Yummy!! I got sick though.
We went home and had a nap, and got ready for dinner. We went back to Aunt Theresa'a and had a yummy Christmas Dinner!! And home for bed.
Boxing Day 26th, Morgann my brother's biological daughter and the rest of his family was to arrive at my parents at 1pm. I seem her and picked her up and just held her forever!! I love my BOO!! Morgann then opened her gifts and a gift with the other kids together. We then had dinner and watched movies and stuff.
Grass and I played with the kids, went shopping, relaxed and lazed around until everyone came over for the secret santa for adults. Well there was a secret alright. My Grandma came to see me from Niagara falls. I balled then too.
We went Ski-dooing and visited, played cards, joked a lot and just relaxed. Best time ever!!
Until we had to fly out of TOronto. We got there 2 hours early and the gate we were to leave out of had a plane stuck there with maintance issues. 2 hours later and much irritation with the airlines idiots we are on the plane ready to depart. Oh but we can't, there is a fuel spill where the luggage poeple are and they can't get out to load out bags. OK so they find a way out. Then there is a FLAP issue with the Plane. Piolate announces "we are having a FLAP issue." That was it, no we will fix it, or it is fixed. Nope we just take off. HOLY FCK I had a heart attack I swear. So we arrive in Pheonix late due to all the issues that have nothing to do with weather and we miss the last flight out to Salt Lake. So the code in the computer doesn't specifically say "late flight due to mechanical issue", and not weather, they can only book us in the morning and give us a discount hotel. Ok, but we have to be back at the airport for 3am. I was like well how much is the discount? We would have had to pay $45.00 for 3 hours of sleep. I don't FCKN think soo. So we attemped to sleep at the Pheonix Airport under the escalators what we thought was a great, dark quiet place. OMG!!! they still play stupid announcements at 1 in the morning and they decided to send maintance in and do constuction beside us up above. Grass got a little sleep I didn't. I ended up sick and throwing up in the bathroom at 4am. We got our flight out at 8:04am. Picked up our luggage and van and went home. Holy crap I wanted to kiss the Idaho ground.

Well I beleive thats it folks!!!

Happy New Year too All!!!

Love you all!!

On Our Way

2004-12-22T23:48:00.000-07:00

We are all packed and ready for our trip to Canada. BRRRR!!! Grass and I spent the first part of our christmas here in Idaho with his bro from Washington. Wife, son, and Daughter were here. They had a Christmas present early for themselves. They are having another baby. I am very happy for them. They are great parents. They arrived about 8am Monday morning and we met them in town to welcome them. We then met back at 10am for breakfast. Mat and I then shipped off to Grandma's to do somethings around her house and then ran some arrons in preparations for our Christmas dinner.
I made Turkey and all the fixings, oatmeal cake and cherry pie. OMG we stuffed ourselves at 1pm and then again at 11:00 pm for a late night snack.
We got the the baby an outfit and the little girl (8 years old) a jewlery box and a necklass that I had made for me from a dear old friend. He use to mine opal and then make them into jewlery. She was so excited to get it. I just about cried.
The guys then played awhile on the computers and C, and I played battleship. Goodness this child has only watched tv all her life. But that didn't stop her from kicking my butt.
We all then played monopoly but it got cut short because the baby was really sick and had a fever of 101.6 and rising fast. He threw up and got us a little frazzled and decided to change the medicine to calm him. It is so heart breaking to see a baby in pain and discomfort. Mama held onto him as he fell in and out of sleep.
We then had coffee in the morning and said our goodbyes and good wishes.
Then it was Grass's and I's turn for presents. I got a little portable CD boombox and he got a new saw. We couldn't afford much.
We dropped off all the pets and got the van cleaned and oiled up, Wish we could leave tonight.

Merry CHristmas to all and a good warm night.

It is never going to happen!!!

2004-12-18T17:34:00.000-07:00

Its been about a few days since I was suppose to start. I have been having a lot more hormonal issues than usual, so I thought hmmm could it be? Could I really be pregnant? Would God grant me that second chance after all? Has a miracle taken place? Well I waited a few more days just to see. I decided I would do a test tonight.
I had to be at Grandma's today and do some stuff for her before she left and she decided to give me some news. Regan, Mat's sister in law is pregnant again. For some reason that just hit me in the gut like a ton of bricks and instantly I had the feeling of "Nope Jenn he is not blessing you, he blessed them, AGAIN". Now don't get me wrong, them having a baby is wonderful and I don't think anything ill of them or them having another. I just felt as though at that moment that I was told for some strange reason, like if I was pregnant and it was rip right out of me and given to someone else. Man I am so fucked up. Why do I think and feel this insane way? I just don't get it. Ben's already has 2 children, his x-wife has 2 in addition to the one they have together, Mat's sister has 3, my brother has one and 3 somewhat adopted. Mat's other brother has or had 3. Liljsm has 3, my cousin has one, my other cousin has one and one in the oven and she doesn't even have custody of the first one, her mother does. WHY, WHY, WHY, ?????? Why can't I?
Six mother fucking years we have been trying and nothing. Damn I want a cigarette now. Everybody wants to tell me all this shit to make me feel better, I know they are trying to help, but what I want to hear is, YOU ARE PREGNANT!! Not, your turn will come, there are miracles, just give it time, it will happen. Everywhere I look there are kids and pregnant people. It sounds selfish and I don't care but fuck there are people that should have kids if you ask me. Sick people that can't raise thier kids, people that pawn their kids off to others, people that beat thier kids and so on. I realize I have some medical issues, but they wouldn't affect the raising of my child. And for some reason I want TWINS lately, what the hell is that about. Twins, am I crazy???

Family DVD

2004-12-17T13:13:00.000-07:00

Mr. Jsm and his great creativity made a DVD for a friend for her grandfathers funeral. As we were watching I suggested he make a family one for his parents for Christmas. After discussing it and going through old pictures (THE BEERDED LADY), I realized I wanted to do something for Grass and his family. I wanted to suck in my pride, let go of the past (we know that will never happen) and just be freaking nice. I wanted to make a family DVD for him and all his family to see. I had to of course finsh my house one for my parents and oh my freaking god, a simple, non creative dvd and it took me a month. All because of my stupid, blondness.
Anyhow I am still on board for this family DVD. I really would like everyone to remember when they were happy with each other. There was happiness at one time in that family. Yes there is a lot of hurt, I hope with this I can maybe mend, not heal, just maybe bring out the better part of this family. I have many many pictures to collect, go through and scan into a folder. I have only just begun. I will be assisted by the great Liljsm. He made a great big promise to his adopted Grandma Renken. She has been asking about it. Anyhow, most of the technical creative computer stuff I am sure he will do. I will arrange the pictures and pick most of the music. He will doctor the pictures and create the transitions. It will be a master peice!!!

A message for L in Texas. I never really know the proper words to help with your situation. Not to mention I don't want to broadcast it on the internet. Just know that I would do anything for you to help you in any way I can. If I was rich I would help you some way but I havn't won the power ball yet!! So you have my ears to listen to you anytime you need them.
I love and miss you dearly. I owe you so much!!!

Reality Shows

2004-12-16T16:26:00.000-07:00

With all these reality shows with different topics and stuff, I find myself noticing all my faults, families faults, things wrong with the house, and then wonder whom if I was on that show they could fix it. Examples, Extreme Makeover Home edition. Don't get me wrong I am happy we found a new house and I love it, but like I said watching these shows makes you wonder what you could have. Such as new carpet, heat in the living room, cement in the shop, a fence, a second floor, a basement, more land, maybe a barn.

Second Example would be "ASk This Old House". I wonder if I should email them and see if they could help with the heat situation.

"The Biggest Loser". I would like to be on that one, be pushed to exersize, eat right and loose weight, in addition gain confidence.

Am I the only one that thinks about these things. I hope I am not. Obviously not if there are on TV and ppl are writing in. My point is, has it come to a point in our society that we need others to fix our problems, we create them, shouldn't we ourselves fix them? So therefore, if I feel this about other ppl, should I not wise up and listen to what I would like to tell others? Hmm not that easy.

2004-12-14T13:49:00.000-07:00

Its has been quite pleasant and I feel like I have finally accomplished something. I finshed my parents DVD, yes OMG finished it. It is so easy to do but if you are dinking off and not paying attention, you can screw the whole thing up. You then have two options, one is manually fix everything or start all over. After many errors, I did finish. Thanks JSM for the help and the PC. Oh the pizza was good too.
I am just about done wrapping the honey for gifts. I hope people like it and appreciate it. I know it is not a real gift, but I couldn't afford real gifts and wanted to give everyone special to me something.
Going to play pool with the boyz. I almost had to cancel because I thought it was a late night thing and I so have to get up early and do a lot of stuff tomorrow. But I found out its an early night. I can't really figure out why I was invited except I am a wife. I just accept and appreciate the invitation. (Even though I know one person can't stand me heehhehe!!!)

I am so excited about going home for Christmas. I am such a big suck, I got my parents to pull out my old xmas stockings and fill them. I said it can be empty boxes for all I care. It can be shit or coal. And they did. They went to the dollar store to fill them. Hell thats where I used to shop for gifts, so buying stocking stuffers there is ok with me.

I know what Grass is getting for Christmas. Mom called this morning and had been shopping since 7am and couldn't find this brand name thing I told her about. Appearnently they don't sell that in Canada, so I told her it was ok. The whole time I was on the phone and online at the same time researching for her, grass was banging on the door. Nah he don't care about gifts. LOL

Ok peace to you all,

And remember you can support our troops without supporting the man behind the whole mess.

OUT!!

Just a little of everything

2004-12-09T14:05:00.000-07:00

Its been a few days since I blogged. I have been trying to get off the pc and get other interests. You know broaden my horizen, get off my lazy ass, and do something new. Well it hasn't worked out. I have been a green shade the past week. I had good days and then just knock me over, stick me in a hole and beat the crap out of me day. In between those days I had 3 nights that I had a total of 6 hours sleep. I have insomnia and usually take a little something something to sleep.
I got all the Christmas shopping done, except grass. I still don't know yet if we are getting each other something this year or not. I usual do whether he does or not because I like the excitement. You know wrapping the gift and hiding it and then the surprise. But this year is so tuff.
The other night we went to Grass's company Christmas party. I had 2 strawberry Margarita's, nicely paced. Unlike someone that tore into Grass for 45 minutes. She was toast. Kept repeating the same crap over and over again. "You have the power now, use it", "I am behind you 150%", and "Get samples". I felt so bad for Grass. He just kept saying "Yes, I understand. uhuh, ok". It will be interesting if he see's her at work today and what if anything she has to say to him.
I am a little nervous like usual about going home, my Dad and I don't get along well. He says and does things that are uncalled for and doesn't care who he offends or hurts. Everytime I see him he does this. The last time we went to visit, I was entering the security area at the airport and he made a comment. "Do I get a hug". I of course replied " I was about to as soon as I put my bags through". He then bent over, hugged me and whispered in my ear "Jenn, Please, if you loose all that wieght I will send you $1000.00 in cash", released his grip, smiled and winked as I walked astonished into the secure area. All I could think was, I am getting on a plane one year almost to the date after 9/11, a plane that may crash, and it may be the last time you see or talk to me and this is what you say. No safe trip, I love you, we will miss you, thanks for coming, you know the routine speach you give to a guest that has come to visit or a loved one. I know it sounds dramatic. Thats how I feel though in times when you are leaving somone. You know, make sure you leave on a good note, because it might be the last. I'm not saying make yourself sick over remembering to do this, I just try to make it a habit. Example, Grass or I leave, we say we love each other and see ya soon. Just in case. Anyhow that is how my dad is. I know I can't change him, I accept it. It is just difficult to deal with. I don't deal with it well. I am older and feel the need to stand up for myself or others he offends. I need to just shake it off and laugh. I need to think to myself, what a pathetic sad soul he must have. Something will come around and bite him back someday. Not terrible, just a little nibble, for him to respond with "What the Mother F$#& is that?"
Well I have a few things to clean up in the house and a hot shower to take. So all of you traveling, in this wind, good luck, stay safe, warm and happy.

In small doses

2004-12-05T02:45:00.000-07:00

Kids in small does helps. God and everyone knows I love kids. I think I love my sanity better. I had Liljsm and his three adoring children over for the afternoon. It was a pretty good visit all and all. Boo-boo wasn't as scary as the last time we had him. OMG I thought the devil was in that child. Or someone gave him shrooms and catnip for a week straight. I think I can only deal a short time because I have a small, little, tiny issue. I am a clean freak!! These kids are not pigs, they clean up when told, given it may take a few times being told, but for the most part dad watched out for them in case tragedy may happen and I may be pushed to have an anxiety attack. The 2 oldest are boys and always on the go........... Can be loud, and may run under your feet or through your house a few million times. Point is, they are harmless. Lovable, make me laugh with tears in my eyes, fall to the ground laughing at times, and most of all temporarily. They get to go back home. So like I title, small doses is wonderful. Although I might just have to take the youngest little angel forever. HEHEHE! :) Singing Christmas carols in the Montana was the best though. Even if we only new the first few lines of each song. Luv ya Liljsm and those turkeys of yours.

What's new?

2004-12-03T13:23:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in a few days. Grandma's lawyer lost her Promisary note and now she may loose her house and place of residence. I have officially started smoking again. I was given a pack of smokes by a friend because I was stressed out. I thought, well I will just have one when I am stressed out to relax. Ya that lasted umm a week and a half. And now I am craving so bad. I need a smog when I am board, lonely, stressed, walking outside, walking to the mail box, talking on the phone, driving, ahhhh. The toxins have sucked me in again. At least I haven't boughten a pack yet. This doesn't mean I will mooch off of people. Hey if they offer, thats different. Fair game if you ask me.
Liljsm looks like he maybe able to save Takara after all. She will not be the same, but she will be there. Found out that not only am I going home for Christmas, but my parents will be taking grass and me to Niagara Falls to see my other Grandma. I am very happy. Family means a lot to me. I'm not sure how Grass will feel. Probably like he is being dragged around like a dog. It's funny because when I first came here to visit he wanted me to meet all his friends and family. He doesn't really want anything to do with my family. Oh well. Probably a man thing.

Estate

2004-12-01T13:03:00.000-07:00

LIke all people I have a hard time when people die. I have an even harder time with lawers and thier greediness. When my mother in law and father in law passed away, my Grandmothers house was left hanging in the middle of a lot of crap. Thier was a life estate contract drawn up with a promisary note by my Grandmothers laywer. Now usually something that is drawn up with a laywer and filed with a laywer, the laywer has a copy of. Guess what. He does not have a copy of it. At least not one signed. Grrr. I thought we would some day be rid of this damn estate shit and get Grandma's house settled. Nope still not. I have recovered a copy of the promisary note through many phone calls and paper work, not yet a signed one. Grrr.

Honey, honey, and more honey

2004-11-27T16:28:00.000-07:00

Thanks Giving was nice. Grandma was sick and couldn't make it but the food and company was good.
I got a five gallon bucket of honey from a friend and decided to put it in jars and make them pretty and give them as Christmas gifts. Damn I have 19 half pint jars and 12 full jars of it. Man that took forever.
My poor friend liljsm. Had Takara has heart surgury and didn't make it. I am sorry liljsm.
Well I am so tired and I know Grass is gona kill me when he gets home. I moved the living room around. I had extremely good reason. It is FCKING cold in there and the couch and chair where against the window. Not to mention there is no went in that room. What the heck. A living room and no vent. What were they thinking and why is it every place we move there is a missing vent. Either in the bedroom or the living room. I swear when we looked at the house there was a vent in that damn room. It probably just up and walked away. So I figured it would be warmer if I put the furnature against the wall where the air runs through. And put the TV and entertainment unit on the opposite wall. Hmmmm good idea, for awhile. We have surround sound. And the speakers and wires were strategically placed. In addition the cable hook up is in the dinning room, so we have to put a whole in the wall to get it to that side of the room. I moved the furnature and cleaned, but someone will have to help me with the speakers, wire and cable. Oh God he is gonna kill me. Hey at least I didn't disconnect all the wires and throw them in a pile in the middle of the floor. Pray for me all of you pretty people.

Excellent Weekend

2004-11-21T17:13:00.000-07:00

I have to say it was a pretty good weekend. Nana and I went to Pet Smart to see the adoptin pets and to Ross to look around. We came up to the house for a snack and to warm up. Then a few hours later I picked up Liljsm and worked on my video a bit and then another friend arrived without knocking, that really pisses me off to no end. If I say hey come on up, the door is open, ok thats an open invitatin to just walk on in. I don't care who you are, even my mother would knock and wait. I do it when we go to visit her. Grrrrr.....
Anyhow we made dinner and then watch a movie it was good.
Today I cleaned every room in the house, cleaned the dog bed, all the animal cages, rearanged our bedroom and am almost finished laundry. Just have dinner to make. So pretty good all and all.

Mind is racing

2004-11-18T11:52:00.000-07:00

I don't even know where to start. My mind is racing from one thought to another. I guess I will start with yesterdays project. My familiy has requested pictures of the new house and surrounding area's. My family has a DVD player so I have decided to make a slide show. It will be my first. I got all the pictures lines up, names and numbered. Burn them to a CD first. Open the CD up to test it and the pictures are there but not in order and no captions. So I was a little perturbed about that. I have also noticed I have been quite a bit on the down side of things. My blog is obvious. I have been feeling sorry for myself. I'm just not happy. I seem to only pin it on one thing, but I know it must go deeper. I can never change, fix, understand this one thing, so it has to be something else. What I can't figure out. I hate depression. No one seems to understand it, and they are usually annoyed by it. Even the people you think you can trust. I realize people can only take so much before they them selves start to fall dealing with someone else's problems. God, its a struggle in my head. I wana sit here and say, it is because of this, and that.... and if this would be different and so on. I just can't figure out how to change it all. Or accept it all. Smoking sounds good to me. It seems to only thing that might help. I keep finding myself more and more alone. The phone never rings, if it does, its not for me. I have to say one thing, when someone is depressed or sick, you sure find out who thier real friends and family are. It is unexplainable at times. You can't find the words, you can only find sorrow and rage within. It eats you up as if there was acid spilt on you. You feel you can't trust anyone and that they are moving further and further away from you. Your afraid to say anything, afraid to feel, think or do anything. Everyone has thier own life, you have to take control of your own and only rely on yourself. But how can someone when you can't even trust yourself. It seems as though you always wish the extreme... when there is no control, you want it all. Never something balanced. IF you can't control your wieght, you don't wana just loose the weight you want to be super skiny and beautiful, you want more energy... not just to get by, y0u wana be able to get up at 5am and go till 10pm and think and do everything possible. How do you just get to the middle? How to become ok? You find yourself thinking so hard you give yourself a headache about it. While thinking you have horrible thoughts cross your mind. I think I have lost that filter.. you know the one that keeps the sane thoughts in and the crazy ones out. I don't know if I was born with one some days. You look around you for answers when you know they are inside youself. But you are constantly struggleing with the thought of "If someone would just.... talk to me, console me, listen to me, be happy for me, give me credit for something". I was watching a documentary one day on depression. They had said in a segment that support is the key. Well what if you can't get support, are you ever going to get better? I don't know, I have no answers for myself just others. Which in it self seems simply. Just tell yourself what you would tell others. I can't. Because my mind is racing.

A FEW THINGS EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW

2004-11-17T12:50:00.000-07:00

I hear you were born on April 2nd, a day to late!

Saw it,
Wanted it.
Had a fit.
Got it!

It's mind over matter. I don't mind, because you don't matter.

That all for today so far folks.

Bound to loose my shadow

2004-11-17T08:17:00.000-07:00

So about a month ago while sitting on my ass after the house and laundry were done and had nothing to do; I seen a commercial, an infomercial. Windsor Pilotese, however you spell it. Anyhow it is only the second time I have had the urge to buy something from the TV. It looked like exercises I felt were good for me. So I got the DVD this week and I will do them 3 times a week and try and walk 2-3 times a week as well. I am also trying to eat better. I was watching Big fat loser and I have realized that I don't eat or crave anywhere near them. I am just fat and don't exercise. I do however believe my meds take a part in this issue. How nice for me. Oh well, I'm am gonna do this if it.

I could kill

2004-11-15T18:25:00.000-07:00

I hate when you are trying to have a civilized conversation and the other person interupts every third word you say. Or they sit there as you are trying to understand them and they just decide to go on the defensive. "Oh well you don't want me to have a good time, you don't want me to do.... you do this wrong, you do this wrong".. What the mother fuck??? Did I say any of that ever. Are you talking to someone else and reading thier mind, because it sure as hell the fuck ain't mine. I have no idea why I even try talking anymore or why I am even in the fucking world. I know ppl are saying oh your life is so much better than others so shut the fuck up. Well fuck all of you!! That what a fucking blog is for. I am no where close to being perfect and do not claim to be. But I certainly know when someone is bullshitting thier way through just so they look good. I ask one question or try to understand something and I get a fucking machine gun shooting at me. Fuck why the fuck did you get married, oh well I tell you the fucking obvious reason. I was fucking skinny, quiet, aiming to please, the first, I was always there when he needed me, would take any crap and would do anything for him. People looked at me, people looked at him, Hey I am not saying I was a knock out, I was just not fat and ugly!! I had one medical problem, and depression that was well known. I took care of myself and cared how other took care of themselves. Plus I was still living in Canada. He didn't have to see me or deal with me everyday. Well shit sure has changed since I moved here. I'm tired of pretending for everyone everything is perfect or blahdidadida!!! I have no where to turn, never had since I moved here. Everybody is on his side. Fuck they were all on his side when he threw a fucking ironing board and iron across the room at me on our 6 months anniversary. Maybe that was my fucking clue that I ignored. Hell ya we argued that night, because I wanted some romance and he wanted to sleep. Ya I was mad, but fuck it shouldn't turn into flying metal across the room. And they were on his side again when he choked and through my neck back and forth so hard I had whip lash for slamming a door, I admit slamming a door is immature and I could have broke it (I dought it, in fact he broke it when he busted in the room after me). Oh and when he screams at me so close to my face I can taste his fucking lunch. I realize the guy has been through a lot of shit, we all have. Loosing someone close to you, I agree its different. And many other things that have happened. But I have been through a lot of shit too, different shit. Some ppl know my history and some don't. Probably because know one cares because it is history. But its ok for a guy. They all say it. "He has been through a lot of shit". That is no fucking excuse. You grow up and you make choices. You can change or you can be an ass. No one ever cares whether I am sick, tired, sad, depressed, happy, excited, feeling good, successful. They only care about him. I can never do anything right, I don't eat right, I don't cook right, I don't clean right, she is a clean freak, she sits on her ass all day and does nothing, he does all the work and she does nothing. He keeps a job, he helps this person, he is good at this, he does this right, we are so proud of him, we appreciate him so much!!! What the fuck can I do right?
I can't fucking keep a job, I can't fucking stay healthy, I can't fucking loose weight, I CAN"T FUCKING HAVE KIDS because I fucked up so bad when I was younger. And fuck now I am fucking crying and feeling sorry for my sorry ass. Fuck this blogging don't help at all.
I just wana turn back time. I want to do good in school again. I want to make friends, goals, date guys that didn't beat the crap out of me, rape me. I want to have a healthy and fun childhood. I didn't wana get sick. I want this damn alcoholic and drug addict out of me and I never wanted to become pregnant at 17 1/2 and forced to have an abortion. I didn't wana be raped by my brothers friend. And only remember once I was 15 years old. And have flash backs and nightmares and wonder if I am going insane. I don't want to be muniplative, mean, depressed, suicidal. I wana start all over. But I can't. How do I forget, How do I burry it? How do I let go when so much hurts inside still. When I feel I have no good in me. How can someone be so young, (12 years old) and feel like thier time is up on this earth. What the fuck went wrong with me. What fucking turn or road did I take. Fuck was I eating lead or something or was I bound for this to happen, did he and I mean HE plan all this for me? Who the fuck knows. I just wana smoke again so bad. But I have no job and I should not be spending any money on me or a habit I have. I feel like selling everything I have just to make up for all the work he has. Doesn't matter I will never measure up to him, NEVER!!! I am not correcting the spelling in this post it is too fucking long.

Peaceful but now at war

2004-11-15T12:36:00.000-07:00

Sister in law and the kids arrived safely. Met them at the store and they followed me up to the house. Grass met up with us a few minutes later. All was calm.. We had some lunch, talked a little and joked a lot. The past never came up except when joking about childhood stories. It was nice and a relief. Sister went to Grandma's and we had the kids. I took the girls shopping and grass had the boy. Well leave it to boys to end up at the Urgency Care. Our nephew decided to kiss the tire of the three wheeler, which he shouldn't have been riding alone in my opinion. Which doesn't seem to matter in this house anyway. So us girls met the boys and got our nephew all cleaned up and we decided to go to Garcia's. Got a few movies and went home. Kids got their x-mas gifts early and we all had a good time. Brought them back to Grandma's and chatted a little more.
We promised Grandma we would help her Tuesday. We usually get over once a week and get stuff done all together and spend time with her. I hate making promises I can't keep and I try to remember them. Well, Grass came home last night and said, I should say he ordered rudely. "Tuesday is all mine to do as I please". Geeze he didn't have to be rude and snotty about it. I ignored it and said ok. Then grandma called today and reminded me about Tuesday, I said of course. I didn't mention Grass made other plans. I just let him know after I got off the phone that he had made a promise. So what does he do, he flips out on me. For Fuck sakes. I didn't do anything wrong. He's is the one that made plans and then other plans on top of each other. Damn, I don't get him, he has one family member he gets along with and always gripes that he has no family but he doesn't wana take one day a week for that person. All he thinks about is this damn pc and games on it. It fucking pisses me off, he doesn't appreciate what he has in life, he just looks negative at it. I have no family here. NONE. It costs me .19 cents a minute to talk to my family. I gave up all my friends back home because I couldn't afford to talk to them. I see only my parents maybe if I am lucky every 2 years and I have one Grandparent left I don't get to see. I realize he doesn't have a mother and the father he has is estranged from. But the more the reason to appreciate those you do have in life. You can't be picky. So now he is in a pissy mood because he doesn't know what to do. He wanted to be done at Grandma's by noon. I just made the comment that, it is usually an all day thing and he knows it. She is old and slow and likes to take her time and have lunch together. I don't care he can do what ever the fuck he thinks is more important.
Then this morning I was a little slow moving, my mouth has been killing me, and I did some exercises and then rested a bit. I decided to go outside and move the swing, bbq and chairs and tarp them up. Grass asked If I needed helped and answered yes kindly. So we move the stuff, I went to go get the tarp and he starts burning the ground outside of the barrel for something to do. What the fuck!!! Whatever, I try to get this tarp that is like 72 by 100 or some thing, it is for covering hey if that lets you know how big it is. Not the easiest fucking thing to maneuver on your own, but hey, grass is playing with fire and fucking off so I have to do on my own anyway.
So I start and the fucking wind starts blowing. I swear I was being punished for something. I would get it all into place over the swing bbq and chairs and then started over the shed (its leaking), and away the damn tarp went, on its way to china. So while I am grunting and cursing at this tarp along with wrestling it, what is grass doing, NOTHING but watching me. Oh I know its funny for men reading this, it is fucking typical of you all. Well of course I get even angrier when I see he is standing there staring at the ground while I'm freaking out. I was mostly freaking out because everything I screw something up I am always reminded about it showed how much I screwed up. But If I dare try to do something on my own its either 2 things, NO YOU CAN"T DO THAT!!, or you are doing it wrong. So each time I go to do something that runs through my fucking head, trying harder and harder to please, but never succeeding, just screwing up. Finally he comes over and yells at me "IF YOU CALM DOWN I WILL HELP YOU. Ya, like I am going to fucking calm down right then and there as ordered. I just have an off and on switch. So I say, HOW NICE, YOU COULD SEE FROM THE BEGINNING I WAS HAVING TROUBLE, BEFORE I GOT PISSED OFF, WHY DIDN'T YOU OFFER THEN? His reply was, "I have a fire to watch". Well if you would have left the damn fire in the barrel instead of fucking off and playing with it on the ground you wouldn't have to watch it now. Did I say that no. He just kept on me that I should calm down and blabbb blabbb about he does nothing wrong and I am a fuck up.
So I got a ladder and climbed on top of the fucking shed. Yes me afraid of heights. Fuck, you get me mad enough I will do just about anything. Maybe that's how I could loose weight. Anyhow, I get on the roof and get the tarp and have to take my shoes off and put them on the tarp to hold the son of a bitch in place. Fuck I have never use one this big, I didn't think it would take a fucking monkey guiniass to work it. So anyhow I tie the fucker down with twine, what else to you use? And I then decided that the mowing deck should be in the shed, out of the way. So I take the ATV and go in the garage and lift and maneuver this son of a 4000 lbs piece of shit onto the back of the ATV while screaming. For some reason you are somewhat quite a bit stronger when grunting as you lift. WIRED or just in my head, don't answer that. Grass hears me and just walks in as if everything is just fine and trys to take over without saying anything, and like a woman I snap back "I DON'T NEED YOU". I got it on there and out of the garage and in the shed. Not where I wanted it, but I had enough. I took the ATV and took a ride up the hill and just screamed. It didn't help and either is this blogging. I am so mad, I just want a smoke.
Can I, no, because it would be selfish. Hmmm thinking about more then myself, what a concept and revelation?

Hide the valuables

2004-11-12T16:30:00.000-07:00

OMG my sister in law is coming. Grass and her have not been close for sometime, but there is kids involved. We have loved them from day one and haven't stopped. They have done nothing wrong but get caught in the middle of everything. I just hope it is a peaceful visit and we can visit with the kids. Hopefully we will mend some wounds. Acceptance is the key. I should get high or buy some whisky.

Time Well Spent

2004-11-08T17:35:00.000-07:00

Wow what a busy past 4 days it has been. Helped Grass get some rain gutters and put them up. Finally yes finally finished cleaning up the garden, so it is ready for Spring. Then we put Christmas Lights up outside and then the Christmas decorations up inside. Plus got everything put away in its place. Helped Nanna with the cable and got Mac and Lynny a Birthday gift. Then I thought I should have some fun so I asked LilJsm if he would like to go 4-wheeling. He agreed it would be fun before he headed off to work today. We took a different trail and I saw some new scenery. We took Lizzie and Smooo. They were like kids in a candy store. We got home and I began to make meat balls for dinner and Mamma and papa Jap stopped by so we all had dinner together except for Grass. I saved him some though. Still waiting to hear from Wally World. Well I have no idea what to talk about anymore.

Hey you want some insight and good humor, check out LilJsm's site. http://www.liljsm.com/

Love

2004-11-03T21:37:00.000-07:00

Is there even such thing as true love? Or is it some myth that woman want to beleive in. It seems as though men act like it means something to them. I just want to feel it. I don't care what people hear, say or thing of how I feel about grass. I love him to death. There are days and times when I love him more and he gives me butterfly's. A few people have told me that they can think of something that thier partner does or has done to make them smile, laugh, of feel good that know one else does. I do nothing for Grass. NOTHING. How can you love someone and not know why anymore. Love is some kind of drug someone puts in your drink to get you to a point in your life and then it disapears. The love you then have is some kind of manditory thing put on you.

The plan for today

2004-11-03T08:57:00.000-07:00

I have decided with grass to cash the check. After all the mistakes the broker made, they can figure it out after and hunt us down for it. "oh you wana talk to Mat and Jenn, ummm they are not in... Sorry". How's that sound fkers?

Going to for an interview with Wal-Mart. I am so confused on how to explain my gaps of employment and the length of time I have worked. It is mostly medical, but if I bring that up they will most likely assume I can't work. They want people that will work steady. I actually think I will be able to hold this job as long as I keep other things in check with my life. I have realized that I have to take issues and make them seem as though they are the smallest part of my life and I can move on immediately from it. God if I could start smoking again that would be so easy. Or maybe just a little drink now and then. That won't hurt me. YES it will you stupid twit. Ah well it was a try.

My IBS is back of course because I want this job. I don't understand myself, I can only analyze myself. It seems every time a job comes along, I want and will benefit from; the IBS comes around. It doesn't matter what I eat, whether I get stressed out, sleep etc. Is it a subconscious thing? Or is it just a huge ass coincidence?

SO something is going on with Grass, he is very quiet (more than the usual), subdude, slouchy, doesn't say its his back hurting, so what is it? I know he is worried about money, if he could just hold on until after Christmas. Unfortunately thats when Wal-mart actually hires people. I don't know any other way to make money. I just know how to NOT spend it. I wonder if he is depressed about something. I asked him. It could be that I have been with Liljsm a lot.
Grass wants me home when he gets home. I understand the feeling. I would like him home when I got home. Thing is I get home and I am ignored, I am mostly a roommate. Is he mad I have this blog? Is he upset that Liljsm and me have something in common. OMG does he think we are having a passionate secret love affair that has been going on for years, shit how could he know our little secret? I thought we were sooo discreet? Oh no does he know that is the real reason I can't have kids? Because it might come out a little Jap looking?
OMFG ROTFLMAO!!! I don't know what got into me there but Liljsm if you read this, hope you know I'm joking. Stop puking it's ok. haaaaaaaa!!!

SOMEONE SHOULD HAVE VOTED FOR ME AT LEAST!!

2004-11-02T18:32:00.000-07:00

OMFG!!! Bush could be president again, I am truely going to die. I would love to vote and have a voice. But no I can't. I am not a citizian. So I urged my husband and FRIEND to vote, they want nothing to do with politics, so I request they vote for me, they say no!! Ahhhhhhhhhh. My one vote could change things and I can't do it. All these people that have a chance to vote and have thier voices be heard. And they do nothing. Fine die all you suns a bitches!!! That's what's gonna happen is Bush is president again.

Komodo Dragon's, thats what Bush is.

If anyone knows me well enough they know how passionate I am about these useless creatures.

"Komodo dragons are carnivores (meat eaters) and will devour any animal they are capable of dismembering and gulping down. Although they are for the most part scavengers, they do capture live prey, including deer, pigs, birds, even young dragons. The young can escape by climbing trees, because the much-heavier adults cannot climb. Komodo dragons are good swimmers and have been reported hunting in the surf for fish and birds.
Komodo dragons are formidable predators, since even one bite can be lethal. The bacteria that live in the dragon's saliva are so virulent that wounds often will not heal. Even if the victim gets away, it usually dies from infection in a few days. The dragon's reputation as a human eater is well deserved; it does not seem to fear humans and many attacks and deaths have been reported.
Komodo dragons are the world's heaviest living lizards. They can grow to a length of 10 feet (over 3 meters), with an average length of 8 feet (2.5 meters) and weight of 200 lbs (91 kg.). Females are usually under 8 feet and weigh about 150 lbs. (68 kg.).
The Komodo dragon's keen sense of smell, if aided by favorable wind, enables it to seek out carrion up to 5 miles (8.5 kilometers) away. Despite its size, the Komodo is fast moving and agile. They can climb trees and like all monitor lizards they are good swimmers. They are opportunistic feeders and will eat anything they can overpower including small dragons and small or injured humans (dragons make up to 10% of their diet).
An eyewitness account revealed that a 101 lb (46 kg.) dragon ate a 90 lb. (41 kg.) pig in 20 minutes. As a comparison, a 100 lb. person would have to eat 320 quarter pound hamburgers in less than 20 minutes to keep up with the dragon.

Now that you have some facts, don't you think they should be kept on one island and have someone blow that island up? I think so. These devil animals dig a hole, leg eggs, and then they hatch, and you know what is next? They crawl into our back yards and eat your dog or horse.

Who is looking at my blog?

2004-11-02T15:04:00.000-07:00

SO I noticed in a day that 16 people looked at my blog. So I am asking those that do look at it to post a comment. Just so I know actual people are looking at my blog.

I would like to thank all the little people that got me this far.

Smile someone is watching you!!

Morally the right decision

2004-11-02T14:26:00.000-07:00

Ok so I received a sum of money yesterday from my insurance company that I wasn't expecting. I call my insurance agent, they tell me that three people paid this amount. Myself, my mortgage broker (which has put us threw hell and cost us an arm and a leg) and the title company. My insurance agent says to call the broker and see if they have esscrowed it.
Hmmm should I just cash it and say oh their mistake. They owe us for all the hassle and not say a word. Or do I call and do the moral thing. We really need the money.

Isolated

2004-11-02T12:27:00.000-07:00

The other night I dropped off my husbands friend, and I say "husbands friend" specific because the conversation hit me hard that we had. He is my husbands friend, not mine. I really really only have one friend according to the conversation that took place. You see I believe a true friend is there for you without having to protect their friendship with someone else. I have also realized that there is only the one friend I have made on my own and through know one else's link. I would love to call many people my friends, but truly they are someone else's friend before they are mine. Now typing this as I think about it like I thought about it last night, it sounds selfish and immature. It is, but true. Take for example 2 different ppl in 2 different situations. Example 1. My husbands friend. He met my my husband before me, they are best friends, not to mention both MEN. If I wish to speak to the foremention friend about my husband, does he really listen and converse with my best interest in mind, well no, that would be wrong, he has my husbands because they are best friends. I get that. So second example. I meet a person (person A) through another person person B). So person B's first and only concern everyt time we talk, meet or chat is person A. So once again not my friend. Someone else's.
So the explanation to my title is I have only myself. I am totally isolated. If I do dare make a friend on my own, I must only talk, meet or chat when I am totally alone, which doesn't work well when people have a life of their own. Friendship is a 2 way street and you must meet when you both have the time. My husband and only my friend that is there for me and no one else, don't want anymore friends, don't wana associate or socialize with anyone new. I don't believe it is a male thing. I think it is a selfish thing. When someone is all alone and people tell you to go and make friends, how can you when there is this secret zone you may not cross. How are you suppose to grow as a person or a couple when only one person gets out and see people, shares interests. How are we suppose to stop being judgmental of people if we don't go out and meet them, listen to them, talk. No wonder there is so much ugliness in this world. No one really wants to be friends with anyone, they really are just trying to be polite.
So were does this bring me? I really don't know. Besides truly alone. Fuck it is 2004 and I have never felt more alone then I do now. Now realizing what I got myself into when I moved here. Certainly never thought it would be this way.
Yah I know I am feeling sorry for myself, but who the fuck cares, no one reads this. I have pretty much everything against me. I am Canadian which I am punished for. Has everyone forgotten that my fucking country is your fucking ALI, have you forgotten that after 9/11 we were the country that helped the most. Have you also forgotten that we are right here and in Iraq with you all the time helping. Not saying you couldn't live without us, but we are here.
2nd, I am not Mormon, none of my family is and never will be. So that leaves 15% of the population around here to choose from. 3rd. I am not a man. I say that brings it down to 5%. Well that's a start I have a 5% chance to make a friend. Hmm well not really. You see I have medical issues and people don't want to hear about them unless they can discriminate you for it. They run the other way, they don't understand and it is a burden, annoyance, well more like ignorance. Uneducated, selfserving, ignorant people. The only reason why I ever bring medical issues up is because I get the constant question "why can't you keep a job"? And what do I say? Fuck off its not your business, no I don't say that, not if I want a friend. Do I lie?
All I know that I am good for and that's probably 68% of the time, is cook, clean the house, no I can't fucking change oil, not because I don't want to, Its because it would require me to be under a fucking vehicle, sorry but that's a fear that ain't gonna be cured. I can shovel just fine, I can take the damn garbage out, hmmm not much is it. No wonder I am alone.

Weekly update

2004-10-31T04:05:00.000-07:00

After return the Palm Pile of Shit I was inclined to buy the exact same one. Got home and decided that I can do things on my own. So I took the task of installing the thermostat. I was in the "I don't need a man" state to do everything for me. Then I seen the wire, and went umm yah I'm stupid. Anyhow I did get it installed and was quite proud of myself. Grass was off Thursday through Sunday. We spent the most part of Thursday driving around store to store back and forth from the house shopping for god only knows. We ended up buying a bra and tire chains for the tractor. FKN $64.00. Truck tires cost $80.00, what the hell is this world coming to? Friday we were a bunch of morons again. I don't know what it is lately but when ever we leave the house we forget something, we have some kind of home althztimers or some shit. Got groceries for Grandma, went for coffee and I had my favorite all time teenage treat, this ones for you liljsm. Fries, gravey and ketchup. They didn't have white vinegar though. Stop to visit a friend and went home and crashed. Saturday was a promising day. Got up a little late AGAIN, made breakfast and has coffee and talked about the day ahead. Decided to get rain gutters with the saving we have. AHHHHHH Off to Home Depottt and $72.00 later and we don't have all the parts. We also decided to have liljsm and Mama and Papa Jap over for dinner. I made Steak (turned out Yuck I might add embassesingly) Baked tators, Yams, rolls and pumpkin pie with the whip of course.
Liljsm made a casserole; fuck I don't even know how to spell that. It was yumm.
The evening was a success except for the unexpected we all thought would happen, but it was safe.

So this damn Mormon thing. Halloween is a holiday, that should be celebrated on the day it was given. October 31st. Not October the 30th or any other day just to make the damn mormans happy. I don't understand how a Religion can run the fucking community. It really pisses me off. AHHHHHHHH.

No Self Control

2004-10-27T09:38:00.000-06:00

So I get a call yesterday morning as I am beginning to post a blog from the wise one. She is in tears and ready to have a heart attack. The wise one is extremely precious to me and grass, so when there is something she needs we are there. Anyway she tells me that the evil stepdaughter on crack calls her that morning and harasses her once again. I will quote what the crack head says to her. "Mr. ? And the ? Family are just waiting for you to die so they can take everything from you and not have to help you any longer". Who says that to a 78 year old with a heart condition. In addition to this comment she orders the wise one to do this and do that and bend over and kiss the crack heads ass. I believe the crack head is a control freak and worried that she may not get anything when wise one dies. Well she is right on the money. I told wise one to just ignore her and concentrate on the good things she has. This crack head has no control over herself and wishes to have to power to control others. She must be stopped and dissenigrated. Now my question is.... "What can I do to help stop crack head"? Nothing; I know.

Day wasted...
liljsm offers grass and me gift cards to home depot. I pick him up and head to the store to pick up a thermostat we need for the palace. So many to choose from and here we find a touch screen one that looks like a damn palm pilot. I thought to my self cool but yet ugly, a damn computer on the freaking wall in the hallway, nah I'll stick to the traditional one. What do I buy, the palm pile of shit, thats what. I get to liljsm's house and decide to take it out of the package and inspect it, the fucker raddles inside, the hot/cool/off button don't work. FUCK. By this time in the day I was so tired I didn't wana run back to the store. I didn't even get the rest of my arronds done for the day nor my laundry, you think I wanted to go back and get another palm pile of shit?

I really don't know

2004-10-26T11:36:00.000-06:00

What a day I had yesterday. Got up at 5am to make breakfast for my husband who we will call grass. Well my blog today will have to go on hold for now. For I must tend to the Wise One.

A new hobbie

2004-10-25T11:08:00.000-06:00

So a friend asked me why I didn't have a blog. I replied with "I don't know anyone that would read it", he then replied back, "it is not for someone else to read it is for you to vent.".
I have to agree. So this is where I begin.

I really think there is something wrong with me, beside all the ovious issues. I can't figure out why I can't keep a job. I have racked my head and I don't know what is wrong with me. I do come across the idea that it may that I want kids and want to be home with them and then all of a sudden I want to take a bat and beat myself senseless for thinking that way. You see I was not brought up that way and I am totally apposed (in a opion thinking way) with making your husband go to work day after day while you sit on your ass. But critics would disagree and say that being a housewife or a homemaker is a job in it self. I get caught in between these thoughts so often, because I know we can't afford me not to work. But what keeps me from succeeding in the employment world, is it lack of motivation, responsibility, or am I just a usuless bitch?